Category: just-plain-life

Celebrating the life we have

I recently attended one of my (many as I discovered) aunties funeral on Friday. Auntie Melrose was very close and we would see each other quite a few times through the year. She was well known and well liked by the huge family and many colleagues in Bristol city council where she worked for 25+ years. She lived in Easton and raised my cousin alone from when she moved to the uk decades ago.

She was a quiet but resilient women who worked hard all her life. She was also the most tech savvy Antie I had.

I learned about her death from a Facebook message from a cousin (chris) in Jamaica. It turned out she was on holiday there visiting the family and while swimming in the beautiful blue sea which surrounds Jamaica. Suffered a bleed on the brain and died in the water. Other members of the family tried to recover/save her of course.

In the funeral a friend of the family stood up and said some words like many many people. But he talked about dying in the seas of the homeland of Jamaica.

Although at first I was a little upset and thought it was a little sore, I started to think about it a little different. I gather Antie never suffered any prolonged pain. As the man said “what a way to go… In the cool calming blue seas of the Caribbean. No pain, no suffering”

Now the observant of you will notice the bleed on the brain is the same thing I had 2.5 years ago (#mybrushwithdeath). Obviously I have some experience of the what its like. But I really want to think about the life she had, and further reminds me of the posts I make about living the life your given/have/want.

I’ve had this tune in my head since I heard about my Antie…
Its called “Fool For Life” by Dash Berlin featuring the strong vocals of Chris Madin. Don’t know if out really sums up anything (she certainly was no fool! But somewhere in the lyrics it may something about us and what we do to ourselves?) but I keep catching myself humming it in my head when thinking about my antie’s death in the warm sunshine, 1000’s miles away… Then thinking I must celebrate life more.

I have an incredible family… Just on my dads side there were 15 siblings! At the funeral I was introduced to so many of dads siblings and there families! I once estimated to Sarah I have 100 cousins. Now I’m wondering if I was being too conservative with that number…! When even I thought I was stretching it a little. And don’t even start on the cousins kids!

I happened to catch the bbc2 programme, this world.

Anita Rani goes on a journey to discover why the Japanese are not having enough babies

Its shocking to see a country like Japan having such serious problems while a little island in the Caribbean is responsible for some incredible characters.

I guess all these combination of things have gotten me thinking hard once again about the purpose of why were here and what I should be doing with my life before it ends.

Rest in peace Antie Melrose…

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When to take a break from online dating

Online Dating. Oh Yeah.

Northen Lass 32 spilled the beans and part of her heart out in her latest article.

A few months down the line, it hasn’t worked out with Mr Facestalk and I. Sadly it seems our paths are not aligned and our future selves wanted different stuff. Rather than crying onto my laptop, which I’ve done in the past – straight onto the trackpad, sending the mouse on an independent clicking frenzy powered by nothing but my salty misery. No, I can’t afford to replace that again. So I’ll simply turn to the wise words uttered by the oracles that are Orbital in their 1990s dance classic Satan: “It’s better to regret something you have done, than something you haven’t” How deep is that for a 90s rave tune?!

Deep enough I would say. The problem Northen Lass has besides the wicked tunes (don’t ever knock rave) is this…

Dating becomes less about getting to know one person properly, and more about dating the shit out of a 40-mile radius of your postcode, resulting in serial daters, on sites for years in a continuous state of “BUT WHAT ABOUT THE NEXT ONE?!”. It may not have been why they initially signed up, but the overwhelming urge to act like a kid in a sweetshop prevails and the paradox of choice sets in.

And just how do you choose who to date? How do you filter out those not suitable, ending up with your dream human? You know the one, the one that farts butterflies and rides a unicorn to work? With help from the website’s compatibility robot, it could be easy to discount someone you could really get on with based on some fairly superficial filtering options – and start to develop expectations of the perfect match a little outside the bounds of reality and good old chemistry.

We all go through it, start dating someone who really care for and invest heavily in. Maybe even introduce them to friends and family, you meet there friends and family. Its all looking good. Then… it all goes to pot, something happens and before you know whats hit you, its that awkward conversation about breaking up, and as I once said breaking up is hard to do.

Some think you got to jump back on the horse… I think not, grief comes in 5 stages. Each can blind you from what your trying to do. Aka find a partner who you will love and they will love you.

The moment you see the whole thing as a sweetshop, your not thinking correctly about this. Heck even if you do pick someone, you may end up picking that person for the wrong reasons. There’s been a lot said about rebounding and a lot of it is true.

Like I said the first time I saw her post…

Chill and take your time, stop rushing and just let things wash over you as interesting experiences…

Another reason for non-subscription online dating, but more to the point. When your ready, go for it.

I do wonder if online dating does contribute to that paradox of choice and illusion of the greener field beyond the gate. Wait didn’t I write a blog post about this? Oh yes…

On the side, I’ll be on BBC Merseyside again with Northern Lass talking about the issue of how much you share with someone your dating at what stage. This may become part of a single black male piece soon.

Riding down the Hope Valley


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On Sunday afternoon, it was nice and warm and after 4 hours of Volleyball training, I decided to give Tim’s advice of doing the Hope Valley road a try.

I have to say I need to find a way to attach my Xacti Camera (thinking this could be the hardware project I’ve been meaning to do with FabLab all this time) to the Silverwing or maybe get a Go Pro. There were some stunning views which I wanted to stop and capture but while driving the dangerous path of Snakes pass from the Glossip end, its not advisable to stop a lot. Got to say the trip from Hope Valley into Lancaster was very hilly and amazing to drive, just a shame I was looking directly into the Sunset…

Anyway you can see the path I took which is a lot cleaner than my last one.

A long ride out to sheffield and back

Ride across the Peaks

So this time I went through the mountains of the pennines along the woodhead crossing, stopped in Sheffield and then back through along the forever talked about Snakes pass.

To be honest Snakes pass, wasn’t as scary as I imagined. But there certainly were some corners which I can totally see someone less aware getting caught on. I think I prefer the woodhead crossing for its pure speed and pleasure of driving on top of the mountains but I can see why Snakes pass is a heck lot quicker.

I was amazed at the lake in the middle of the pennines, from my brief look, it seems like there is a pebble/rocky beach too. I might be wrong, I imagine its maybe all just sinking mud and thats certainly not the place to get caught out.

Hope valley is next on my list, but if the weather gets any worst I certainly won’t be driving around the pennines. It was pretty treating when I went out on Saturday, cant even imagine what its like in rain and in the dark!


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For some reason, my phone went a little nutty in the middle, so I ended up with 2 KML files, using Oxygen XML I was able to put the data together. You can’t beat side by side view…

Think who pays is meaningless?

So many people say, who cares who pays on the first date. Is it really a issue at all?

Well I’d direct them to the story of IT worker – K****** N******. Found via Tim Dobson

Mr N*******, from Leyton east London met Ms Sultana on dating website Zoosk. They arranged to meet-up for drinks in the West End on February 15. The IT worker said the evening was proceeding well and they had enjoyed two rounds of drinks by 11.30pm. Mr N******* paid for all the drinks spending £54 in total.

He said that when he asked Ms S****** to pay for the next set of drinks she said she had not come out with any money as she had assumed he would be paying for the evening.

As a result, she cut the evening short and left.

Now if the date ended there, it would have been a crappy date agreed, and at least he could learn something from that experience. But of course it didn’t end there…

But he followed her to Charing Cross Tube station before snatching her phone in a bid to get her to stump up cash towards the drinks. He told the Standard: “I’m just very happy to be cleared.

“But it’s not just the money (£1,200), I have been struggling mentally for the last seven months. I could have lost everything had I been convicted. I feel like I never want to go on a date again.

“I don’t think you can get the right person online. You don’t know who you are talking to, I mean, I ended up in court.”

He added: “She said we would drink and dance all night, but she wanted me to pay for everything and I didn’t have enough cash to buy more drinks so she got upset.

“We had a heated argument. She took my money, I took her phone, but I never wanted to steal her phone and keep it.

“I just did it to get her attention and to get some money back. Then she started screaming very loudly, so I panicked and I ran (with the phone) for a few metres. When I turned back, the police were there and they arrested me.”

Yes he should never have followed her and took her phone! He should have cut his loses and walked away. Who pays is bigger than most people imagine and the politics wrapped up in the emotional issue is like a land mine. One day you will stand on it, and you will remember it forever more.

Mr N*******, who works on IT systems for major firms including banks, said the legal proceedings have cost him £1,200 in lawyers’ fees. He also said has not been on a date since February after being left emotionally scarred by his experience.

My general thoughts is if shes not going to buy some drinks on a date, then seriously its not going anywhere. You may be taken for a ride, get out quickly. A good relationship should be equal and both sides should contribute. This reminds very much of Nguna’s comments that she expects the man to pay for everything and she wouldn’t take her purse with her.

Changes since Tuesday 12th May 2020

At email request from Mr N********** I have removed his name from this post after pointing out he was cleared in UK court.

Whats in common with Tinder?

A while ago I wrote a piece for Single black male titled technology assisted dating.

A trip to the coffee shop or a bar is full of surprises. Who has not heard of the likes of Grindr? Grindr is/was extremely popular with the urban single gay males and it seems highly effective in meeting other people. You could see this as a digital wingman of sorts or a step on the way towards a technology assisted dating/hookup depending on what you’re actually after?

The likes of OKCupid and POF’s mobile apps use geolocation to find singles which match your profile. Grindr however seems to have that extra element of passive fun or hookup. So the question always has been? Wheres the hetrosexual version of Grindr? Those in the know, recommend Tinder. So I checked it out a while ago and recently gave it another try .

The thing about Tinder is its totally based on your Facebook profile. When I first saw this as a requirement, I read the privacy policy and though no thank you. But since I gave it a shot and found it weirdly interesting.

As said before the app requires (there is no other way to make it work) Facebook data. Once you hook it up every aspect of your Facebook data you get recommendations of people you may like. As I letter found out you can alter some of the settings in the app. Things like distance to search, sexuality and the age range.

The interface is a hot or not styled thing based on profile pictures from people around you. Its not exactly scientific in anyway.

However whats interesting is when Tinder finds something you like in common. This can be something you both liked or something you both have an interest in. It even points out any friends you both have in common. So instead of filling out loads of questions, its simply highlighting the commonality between you both.

Tinder app okcupids app

For example above, there are 3 common things me and Sally share. If I click the i, I can find out which things exactly. In this case Sally likes donnie darko, fight club, and the watchmen. If we had friends in common it would put a number in the other box too.

Once you’ve done all this, thats pretty much it. If the other person comes across your profile and also hearts you, then your both made aware of this connection.

Its simple but also quite effective, if your facebook profile is maintained and well used. The problem I have is I don’t really use Facebook and its apps much, so alot of it is more guess work than matching. Maybe I might consider updating and managing parts of my FB profile in future.

Using Facebook makes a ton of sense and I’ve always maintained that Facebook makes a great dating site.

So its pretty frictionless as a app and service. I have already seen people adding additional information like there twitter username and even email address to the one and only free text area. Which makes me wonder how there going to make any revenue from the app and us the users? Its also lot less realtime that Grindr, so I don’t expect to see people wondering around with the app open, so no real time adverts.

Is it all about the data and what they can sell on? Will there be a pro version on the cards? Will they start selling adverts? Or will they simply go for a walled garden type thing like most other dating sites? It would be good know before I can really recommend the service.

But as a whole, I’m quite liking Tinder and it will stay on my android devices for now. Its certainly not Grindr for us hetrosexuals but its something smarter and slightly clever.

Animals of the online dating world

cabbage patch cat.

Iz in youz inboxz with the veg, wat u gonna do?
No wonder your single…

I had never come across A(n)nals of Online Dating before… but I quite like it in a hand in front of the eyes and hide behind the sofa type thing.

Welcome to A(n)nals of Online Dating.  It’s a simple idea: Online dating is the worst.  Submit the horrific messages you get, and we will collectively laugh at them.  Points given for lack of basic spelling and punctuation skills; bad sexual innuendo; reliance on cliche; terrible taste in books, music or movies; use of twelve-year-old-girl text-slang; and creep factor.

Now I have to say few of my dates are worthy of being included into this tragic site but most of them are ok. It would be hard to get over the overall feeling of boredom or the consistent battle to get the conversation flowing. But I could certainly include a few of my total nightmares.

My faith in male kind drops to a all time low after flicking through some of the archive posts.

For example sorry i only do disco sticks….

Okay I’m going to just ask and hope for the best….. lets be honest. Do you wanna hook up and fuck? You seem like my type of woman, personality wise. And I really like you. Sexy, free time college student here.. I’m NOT looking for a one night stand… I’m possibly considering a friends with benefits relationship.

I just haven’t enjoyed the way I would want to with anyone yet, still looking for something promising, like a fwb relationship or something discreet that can be ongoing and not just a one night thing. She needs to appreciate my body and treat it right, I do have a six pack, I do a lot of track and running here at my college, so I’m a runner pretty much. I don’t see the point of anal if the girl just wants a big stick of love up right up stretching her labia apart… I like to take my time when I’m with my partner and not just rush into it all, like to caress her and tease her… a lot… before I even show it to her, that way she will want it more. But I haven’t found the right woman for that can satisfy me with what I need. And no one has wanted to meet me.. haven’t had luck 🙁

And when you think its bad, it gets a whole lot worst…!

Should have gone dutch when I bounced

November 28th

I’m cursing myself for falling for the stupid mistake of paying for the bill in one of my previous dates in the last few months.

My mistake was paying for the bill in total, something which I don’t usually do.

So what happened?

Well we were having a good time, chatting away and I suggested how about having some food? (because we were in a place where we could switch from drinks to food without moving) she agreed, time had flown by and she was also hungry.

After eating and deciding yes its about time we actually went home, we asked for the bill. Bill comes and I can’t remember exactly what happened but I’m pretty sure I said “Hey no worries I got this one…”

Of course I never really heard from her again. Except shes actually a friend of friends (trying not to give away who it was)

Anyhow months later we bump into each other and I ask her what happened?

The crux seemed to be she wasn’t comfortable with being paid for… Something I can relate to, and something which I usually go out of my way to avoid. What had happened is I thought I’d try paying and seeing what happens, maybe things will turn out different if I listened to thoughts of Ngunan Adamu and others over time.

Well I was right! Her original thoughts of a modern gentleman, was dashed when I picked up the whole bill. And the only person to blame is myself… Yes it was a bit of an experiment on my part but it felt weird for me and I assume felt even weirder for her. Its a shame because although not my usual type of woman, I was certainly interested and would have liked to have gone on a second date…

Moral of this little tale… Should have gone Dutch…!

Documenting a ride

HONDA SILVERWING

I now have my scooter (Honda Silverwing) back on the road, thanks to Matt.

I have been on a few longish journeys around but not anything major. So today I went for a long ride in the mountains (well there officially the peaks  but…). I keep meaning to go down the famous Snakes Pass. But there seems to be a number of different routes which are interested rides through the peak district.

Using my tracks on my phone I was able to create a map of where I had gone complete with all the riding info. I was surprised to find you could easily export it to Google Drive and therefore easily something/somewhere else.


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