The sick and twisted people looking for a date, avoid & report them!

This is the kind of person people imagine talking to when first joining a online dating site.

I’m generally not shocked at the kind of things men (generally its men but I have been on the receiving side from some crazy women) say to the women to get a date or more. However I’ve never ever seen anything so graphic and aggressively racist as this before.

Massive warning if you are easily offended don’t look, as it will wind you up no end. The language and subject matter is combined is so wrong on quite a few levels…! Its sick, twisted and this guy is trying to convince this women to consider him (ffs!)

Thanks to Tom for highlighting the reddit thread, which is full of crazy private dating conversations. I really hope the women in question reported the man in question, although most people don’t!

I have some conversations saved from the past with some insane women I have spoken to on instant messenger but I have saved them for my ebook. But to give you a taster of whats to come…

Her: I12 lic yr ear :-)
Me: Oh hello?
Me: My ear?
Her: I12 lic u
Her: I wanna lic yr ear
Me: Thats pretty forward
Her: &?

And thats only the very start of a weird instant messaging conversation…

Is it really TV time again?

Shane says this has my name all over it

Fancy sharing your dating dramas with the world? Well now’s your chance – with BBC3 looking for online daters to tell their side of the digital story.

As data has grown and given people more means of communication, so technology has advanced to bring people even closer than ever – or has it?
With social networking sites connecting friends via a number of platforms, the cyber highway has taken networking to the next level – literally.

Online dating has become a global phenomenon, with people seeking love all over the world in the hope of finding ‘The One’ – and now leading UK television production company Roughcut TV is on the lookout for any volunteers willing to divulge their experiences, particularly those using dating apps such as Tinder.

Assistant producer, Alana McVerry, says: “The documentary we’re making for BBC3 is broadly looking at dating and relationships in the age of technology. We’re looking at how dating and relationships have changed given that we’ve now got access to more people than ever before and dating has become a truly global market.

“Does having access to more people than ever before make us pickier? Or does it make us more likely to find a good match? Now that we’re looking online are we looking at different things like grammar and spelling and picking apart profiles and characteristics, which we wouldn’t do if that person was standing right in front of us?”

When I first heard about it I said sure sounds good, then Marie wrote on twitter saying, would I like to be on TV again. My instant thought is oh my goodness… TV not a again and BBC Three again! And what is the link with welovedates.com? (never heard of this site before). I originally thought it was Radio, so I suggested Marie should check out the radio shows pieces I’ve done for BBC Merseyside’s Upfront.

Lets remember what happened the last few times I was on TV (plus I’m not a fan of the TV people)

The Year of Making love… and How to have more sex

I would have to be some sort of sadistic guy to put myself through it all again. And frankly this has such a small amount of information about its actual purpose. I’m already imagining a show full of people moaning about the bad side of online dating, rather than mentioning the good stuff which can happen too.  If it was a good BBC programme, it would mention both sides really?

Anyway unless I hear differently from Marie Northon and the rest of the production team, its going to be no.

You will have to read about my dating dramas in my book which I’m still writing slowly… Funny enough I was writing chapter 13 in my local when Shane tweeted originally.

What is it about TV people?

There is something about TV which seems to attract some of the people I personally don’t really like much.

I was on the 18:57 declassified train back from London Euston to Manchester Piccadilly. Declassified meaning the whole train is one class and you can sit in first class on a second class ticket. Anyway sitting on my reserved single seat, I couldn’t help but notice the people on the seats ahead of me making a bit of noise.

As the train wound its way up to Manchester, they got noisier and nosier. There was lots of bitching about collages and celebs (did they not understand they were in a public place?). They bought lots of wine/cava from the onboard shop and drink them just as quick. “Oh don’t worry I’ll claim for them” said the most senior one. They made it clear they worked in Media City and met celebs all the time in the studios.

What got me was, when we got into Piccadilly one of the quiet passenger sitting near me said quietly to another passenager.

Well I’m so glad our license fee is being used so wisely…

And who could blame her for saying so? I wanted to say, I don’t believe they are BBC employees, but choose to see what else would be said. However the carriage filled up with people getting ready to get off.

So I ask what is it about TV?

I’ve met many types of media people but TV just seems to attract posers, dicks and showoffs? Outside the obvious idea of the broadcast, I mean these people are on the wrong side of the camera. Maybe its a build up  Of course I’m not saying all the crew who work behind the camera are posers, dicks and showoffs. But it certainly attracts them.

Ok this is one time right? I’m very wrong right? Lets look at other times I’ve come across TV people… The Year of Making Love and that massive saga. Enough really said… And also lets not forget the Edinburgh TV UnFestival, great event but the TV festival events were something else. Although I have admit its Edinburgh in summer and its the end of the festivals. But finally its not just me, insurance companies put higher premiums on TV producers, as I found out when trying to insure my scooter. As soon as I changed my job title to almost anything but senior producer, the premiums dropped massively. If anyone asks, I’m a senior designer… Certainly not a TV producer…

Sorry to people I know who work in TV, I’m sure your one of the good bunch, your being let down by a vocal few!

Questions Women In New Relationships Have

Single Black Male, why do you make me laugh so much but also shake my head so much?

For example here’s a post which had me doing both… 40 questions women in new relationships have answered. Here are the best/worst questions and answers with my own thoughts underneath. Check out the site for more…

3. How do I know if he’s just using me for sex?
He’s not. You can easily find someone to have meaningless sex without a title. (Note: If you are the type to call someone your boyfriend without actually having a conversation about it, then he may be using you for just sex and you rationalize it by calling him your boyfriend. Don’t worry it’ll make sense later.)

I see the logic, and to be honest its not far wrong

4. At what point is it appropriate to have the “where is this going” talk?
Whenever you want it to end.

5. Should I initiate that discussion or should he?
See above.

This one had me in stitches… But beyond the instant humor, that where is this going talk, certainly puts most people on the edge. You should know where its going and shouldn’t have to directly ask like that really.

8. What did he find when he Googled my name?
The same thing you’d find if you Googled your name. (PS – Stop Google’ing mofos! In a world that is losing all sight of tradition, can we at least keep face-to-face interaction as the best source of getting to know a person?!)

Keep googling but for goodness sake talk to your partner before jumping to conclusions. They deserve the right to explain themselves, even if you don’t like it.

12. Why did his last relationship really end?
The two of them were not meant to be. If you give it time, he’ll either tell you or you’ll stop worrying about it.

FFS! Stop worrying…

15. How long do we have to date before I meet his friends?
Not long but most men aren’t trying to hide you from their friends as much as they’re trying to protect you from their friends.

16. If he hasn’t invited me to meet them yet, is it because I embarrass him?
See above.

17. Why hasn’t he texted me yet? I hope he’s not with someone else.
Stop being paranoid.

Hearing this one…:) Sometimes there is a whole story which needs to be told before you can meet someone and explain the relationship. The embarrassment thing is unlikely unless you have weird quirks? And instead of “stop being paranoid” you should read about inner tantrum.

20. What if he thinks some of my friends are hotter than me?
He does, get over it.

Damm lay it out straight… 🙂

23. How he would he propose to me?
You’re getting way too far ahead of yourself.

24. Better yet, how much he would spend on a ring?
See above.

Seriously to both questions?

31. I wonder what his ex-girlfriend looks like?
Stop lying, you’ve got Facebook like the rest of us.

Indeed! Just like you googled his/her name, damn straight you did! See number 8.

37. Do I embarrass him?
Do you talk when you’re out with him? Yes? Then, yes.

Oh man… 🙁

39. What would he do if I slipped a finger in his ass while we’re doing it?
Either punch you in the face, blow his load, or reveal to you that he’s bisexual.

Oh man! Rolling on the floor laughing at this one, seriously…! LOL

Joining the Plenty of Fun wagon again

I’ve decided to join POF again, thought I’d give it a try wondering if the lack of maths in OKcupid profiles might be changing the aspect of the site… looking at the site, it still looks a royal bloody mess. Not quite as bad as it use to be, but generally its always makes me really miss the smooth look of OkCupid.com.

Filling out the profile has been interesting. If you want to fill in extra fields in the profile, you need to be a paid member. Theres lots of other bits paid members get on top of free members, just like Alist on Okcupid. I had a bit of shock when I found my mention of Cocktails blanked out, because it might be a rude word. So it now reads “…enlightening conversations over****ails

Great!

I also filled in their 70 questionnaire/data capturing/Chemistry test. The results are pretty good (but of course we’ve all aware of how this can work)

Does this sound like me…?

As someone with high self-confidence, you feel quite comfortable interacting with other people. Indeed, you find the company of others very stimulating and enjoy meeting new people. Your relaxed demeanor in groups makes people around you comfortable too. Perhaps because you feel comfortable talking about yourself, others tend to enjoy being around you and perceive you as socially competent.

The confidence that helps you feel comfortable talking to people also spills into your own personal beliefs about yourself. Although you have several strengths, it’s likely that you also acknowledge and accept your weaknesses. But unlike some people, you take full responsibility for your actions—you rarely regret things you’ve done in the past and are not embarrassed easily.

Perhaps the defining feature that sets you apart from most people is the exceptionally high standards that you set for yourself. Your competence in social gatherings as well as at work should provide ample evidence for this. With these characteristics, it’s very likely that people come to you for advice and generally think of you as someone with leader-like qualities.

Hummm maybe POF have started to put more emphases on the algorithm side of online dating?

Anyway we shall see how things turn out, I’m hoping I don’t get those late night messages/bootycalls which I have no idea how to read or respond to. What messages you ask? You will have to wait till the book is written…

Avoiding a Tantrum over online dating

Everyone does it, yes even you and me!

You send off a message to someone of interest be that person a potential date, partner or even spouse. Then before they can respond you are cursing the air and everything. Why have they not responded, surely they must have seen the message? Maybe they are ignoring you or too busy doing what? Suddenly the mind starts to wonder…

In online dating this can be pretty bad as Dating site reviews points out in Avoiding an Inner Tantrum

a man looked at his phone, then sighed loudly. “I can’t believe I haven’t gotten a response yet,” he complained to his companion. “I texted her ten minutes ago.”
“Maybe she’s in another room and hasn’t read it yet,” offered the companion.

The man scoffed. “What is this, the eighteenth century? But no, she’s read it, the phone tells me that it was seen. The question wasn’t that difficult. I can’t believe she’d just ignore me. She does this all the time, too. In fact, last time -” He cut off in mid-sentence as his phone chimed. “There!” he exclaimed. “She says she was in her car and couldn’t text while driving.” He and his companion were silent. Finally, the man spoke. “At least she had a good reason,” he said.

If you think the man was being bratty and boorish, you’re not alone. However, we’re all guilty of a little of that behavior, especially when it comes to waiting for responses to first-contact emails. When we send off a message – particularly to someone we’re interested in – it’s not uncommon to sit there, drumming our metaphorical (or literal) fingers, hoping we’ll get an answer immediately.

I have witnessed this behavior in myself in the past and many times in other people including ex-girlfriends (no names).

When Northern Lass 32, wrote the piece which first got me writing, I could hear frustration but also a bit of inner tantrum forming (hey we’ve all been there). Even if you read some of the data about the differences in replies women and men get on online dating you can sense a little bit of inner tension. Everyone is different and this seems like a good use of gossip or anonymous blogging (if there is such a thing now?) Let off a little bit of steam.

As I started out saying, everyone gets them and but its really good to take note of when your starting to boil inside and ask almost unreasonable requests of someone else.

I generally think everyone is super busy, too busy to reply to my message, email or tweet. Actually one of the beautiful things about twitter at the start was the ability to reply to a tweet at your own leisure rather than a instant message on someone elses clock. Now if you reply to a tweet days later, people wonder what the hell your doing or even what you’ve been doing in the meanwhile? (oh how the mind wonders…)

With online dating, your contacting someone who might not be interested, just got into another relationship, just went on holiday, going on holiday, just had someone in their family die, just been admitted into hospital, moved country, lost there phone, had a broken internet router or any number of other things. Some of these might sound silly, but I can tell you for a fact they have all been used as excuses for why women haven’t got back to me.

The quality of OkCupid has gone down for me?

Opimal Cupid

I love OkCupid, its been consistently good for me and for me been streets ahead of the other dating sites. But things are starting to change (as you’d expect). Besides Okcupid being bought by Match.com a while ago its been ticking on, however the industry and environment changed.

Little things changed like the end of journals have happen but the big fear was to switch to a paid subscription model, which hasn’t happened (yet).

So its largely stayed the same…?

However, not so fast… OkCupid lives on its matching algorithm and although you can debate how effective this is compared to other ways to match people… OkCupid stands out for its algorithm, as even Chris (found via Tim who also recommended I read reddit too), the man who hacked OkCupid points out.

OkCupid was founded by Harvard math majors in 2004, and it first caught daters’ attention because of its computational approach to matchmaking. Members answer droves of multiple-choice survey questions on everything from politics, religion, and family to love, sex, and smartphones.

On average, respondents select 350 questions from a pool of thousands—“Which of the following is most likely to draw you to a movie?” or “How important is religion/God in your life?” For each, the user records an answer, specifies which responses they’d find acceptable in a mate, and rates how important the question is to them on a five-point scale from “irrelevant” to “mandatory.” OkCupid’s matching engine uses that data to calculate a couple’s compatibility. The closer to 100 percent—mathematical soul mate—the better.

Hacking online dating is nothing new, we’ve all heard about Amy, the woman who hacked online dating?

Chris’s story is something special and quite elegent…

Chris McKinlay used Python scripts to riffle through hundreds of OkCupid survey questions. He then sorted female daters into seven clusters, like “Diverse” and “Mindful,” each with distinct characteristics.

First he’d need data. While his dissertation work continued to run on the side, he set up 12 fake OkCupid accounts and wrote a Python script to manage them. The script would search his target demographic (heterosexual and bisexual women between the ages of 25 and 45), visit their pages, and scrape their profiles for every scrap of available information: ethnicity, height, smoker or nonsmoker, astrological sign—“all that crap,” he says.

To find the survey answers, he had to do a bit of extra sleuthing. OkCupid lets users see the responses of others, but only to questions they’ve answered themselves. McKinlay set up his bots to simply answer each question randomly—he wasn’t using the dummy profiles to attract any of the women, so the answers didn’t mat­ter—then scooped the women’s answers into a database.

And thats the nub or pressure point.

For any of this to work you need people filling out the surveys… I for example have answered over 700 questions. The problem is I’ve seen a dramatic drop in the number of answered questions and more people with zero questions answered.

OkCupid works best on those answers rather than scraping the profile for data. Chris’s hack wouldn’t work without the data. I’d be very interested to see what kind of results you would get now compared to then…

Anyhow Chris’s story is fascinating, specially when you consider the method and drive. Don’t think I’ll be buying the book yet but if your a maths wiz go for it.

I don’t really know what to do about the data problem for myself. I’m tempted to try Plenty of Fish again, see how much its changed (or not). Frankly I have had little to no interest from Tinder, so maybe time to remove it from my androids. Hacking Okcupid isn’t a bad idea but maybe in a way to remove the time wasters.Heck I even had my first speed dating recently where I wasn’t matched with anyone. Luckily one woman was interested in seeing me, so it wasn’t all bad. I’ll save what happened with another one for my book.

I do keep reminding myself it might just be the season or time of year too. These things seem to cycle.

The Secret life of Walter Mitty

Secret life of Waler Mitty

I watched the secret life of Walter Mitty on Boxing day on the Forrester’s family day out. Mum and Dad were not impressed but me and my sister enjoyed it.

I gave it 6/10. It kept me interested and I quite enjoyed it. It also wasn’t as cheesy or pully on the emotional strings as the likes of Forest Gump. The overall message was all about pushing yourself and great things may happen. Push yourself and may learn a little more about yourself.

This is something which I’ve been talking about over and over again in blog posts like How to be interesting

New years resolutions 2014

Can’t remember what prompted me to start blogging my new years resolutions but its become a nice habit and I’ve always got friends to keep me on path.

So without further a do…

Following my review of last year, the year before that and the year before that one… here’s my New Years Resolutions for 2014 which follows on from my 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010. 2009, 2008 ones.

  1. Go to a new part of the world
    I’m going to Jamaica anyway, so although not so new there’s new experiences to be had. Nothing stopping me going elsewhere (except maybe money). I’ve already decided that by 2016 I will go to Tokyo. But I’m also wondering about the rest of pan Asia.
  2. Use my Task list more
    I did have in a previous resolution, document more and this is similar but more focused. When I actually write notes (even rough ones) and tasks everything seems to work out ok, but its when I don’t things get forgotten and before you know it, trouble. So I’m going to invest in a decent task writer which hopefully uses Google Tasks as its back end. I tried using Any.do which started out well but after a while the google sync became unreliable. Wonderlist was good but pointless when Ubuntu support was dropped. If Google tasks was a little more developed, it would be good for outlining. I do worry they will drop support in the end like Reader.
  3. Bake a bloody cake
    For year this has sat on the list but still hasn’t happened. Heck I even had suggestions from friends and family on what I should bake. I just need to set aside some time and do this
  4. Ride the bloody Smiler
    After missing the opportunity a few times, I’m dying to get on the ride for my Birthday. I’m actually stopping myself from putting up a G+ or FB event now for my Birthday. However I’m also keeping an eye on the new rollercoasters coming in 2014. A trip into Europe sounds like a good idea.
  5. Improve my circus skills
    I have completely forgotten about improving my circus skills, since the classes were miles away in Cholton. But now I got the scooter back, it should be easy enough to pop over to where ever for Circus skills class (although there might be a clash with Volleyball)
  6. Move away from GoDaddy
    I have been meaning to do this for a long while. However everytime I do, Godaddy have taken the money and I’m left thinking well I’ll sort it out next time. This time, I’ll do it in stages starting with my hosting then slowly move all the domain names over afterwards. The lovely guys at Melbourne Hosting and Bytemark Hosting have offered me deals but UKFast have also got in on the action. All have a base in Manchester by the way.I have already started crossing this out because, I already moved this blog to WPEngine over Christmas (thanks Ben). I’ll slowly move the rest (email and domain names) as time allows.
  7. Surround myself in higher thinking
    I’m already only following certain people on twitter because they say interesting things. This might seem very harsh on certain friends but frankly if some of that rubs off on me and aids others, then great. Its reminds me of my responsibility as a godfather.
    I’m not about to ditch friends, that would be stupid but rather try and elevate what I read and watch. For example, there is so much to take away from the brain jazz with Jason and Douglas. The internet is full of great talks like this and its a crying shame to be watching garbage.
  8. Scooter into another country
    Now this might be a little bit of a cheat but now I got the scooter back on the road, I think its time it went for a real long ride. This might be Europe in the Summer or simply Wales, Ireland (on the ferry) or Scotland. Either way, it needs to happen. I can easily throw my stuff in the back box and set off. My Honda Silverwing is made for long journeys and I’m sure would enjoy the open road during summer.
  9. Use social media to stay in touch with friends
    I’ve always generally used Facebook as a dumping ground but I’m starting to use it a little more to stay in touch with friends and family.  So all those Birthdays which I see in my calendar I’ll be writing something on peoples walls and streams. My aims is to  contact everyone once a year, even for a brief happy birthday which may lead to something a little more rounded.
  10. Pick up the family genealogy
    My family is massive, bigger that I even imagined. Sarah tried to map our family years ago and the map was a crazy affair, many many pages long. My mum has a printed copy which she keeps adding to, but its frankly full of corrections and changes. Seeing how my mum hasn’t switched to digital yet, I should take up this work.
  11. Live the life I choose
    Its become clear to me that career and life progression is going to be less that ordinary for me. I’m going to have to carve my own path through life and that means working in an adhoc style sometimes and being true to myself. I won’t lie, life is pretty good right now. Although it may seem like I should be working towards things, I’m always reminded of the Cluetrain rule #7 – Hyperlinks subvert hierarchy. As I believe in the hyper-connected world we’re moving into. My bets are against hierarchy and traditional. Maybe there is a word which sums this up?
  12. Sort out my love life and finish the book
    Although its the last one, its not so in my mind. I think I need to spend more time going out with new people and getting myself into even newer situations. I have already joined a number of meetup groups and with the scooter can go further a field.
    As most of you know I’m writing a book about my dating experiences. Its fictional and nothing like 50 shades of anything. Its meant to be released as a serialized ebook if I can sort out the US Tax issue with Amazon. I like the idea of self publishing the book in chapters which build up. The money I’m not so worried about.

A review of last years resolutions 2013

As usual I like to do these look back and look forwards on eve of another new year. Looking forward should be the next post and looking back should be my new year resolutions of 2013.

As you can already see, things radically changed for me. I’m no longer with Laura and I believe shes found somebody else. Of course I wish them lots of joy and happiness in their future. Anyways on with the list…

  1. Ask less for permission, beg more for forgiveness
    On a whole I started to do this but then I got put in a team where I did need to ask more permission. I feel like I sometimes get the name rouge and rebel simply because I get things done without really asking permission. As I pointed out to my new manager, I’m a bit of a nightmare to micro manage. Best to not do it.
  2. Think more from the heart and less from the head
    This one kinda didn’t really see much progress on. Its hard but I did make some decisions which I wouldn’t normally go with but honestly nothing much happened to write home about. May have to rethink this one in the future.
  3. Play more social games
    Yes I can certainly tick this one off, a monthly and healthy werewolf game in the northern quarter is now a stable part of what happens in my life. I would like to extend the werewolf a little more but thats for later.
  4. Drink only when they serve decent cocktails or wine I actually like
    Yes this has started to happen. Over 2013 I was drinking cranberry juice  or cranberry with a shot of vodka when I didn’t trust the bar to serve a decent cocktail. This can be seen as snobby specially the wine selection but I’m kind of over that now. If I choose not to drink the wine or cocktails thats up to me.
  5. Go to a new part of the world
    Didn’t happen… but I did get the scooter on the road and explored the Pennies
  6. Do a budget
    I tried but and somewhat succeeded but honestly I won’t be doing it much more. Lloyds have a pie chart thing which points to where you are spending the most money. Its not really a budget but I found training this much more useful than a budget.
  7. Bake a cake
    For year this has sat on the list but still hasn’t happened. Heck I even had suggestions from friends and family on what I should bake. I just need to set aside some time and do this.
  8. Be fitter and heather
    I can happily say this is certainly happening. Playing Volleyball 3x a week and trying to fit in Basketball when I feel up to it. I know my sister would say, you got to do different types of exercise but I really enjoy Volleyball and its draw does get me going. For some people its working out the gym but for me its team sports like Volleyball. I was part of 2 teams but gave one up because the level was too high for me.
  9. Call out stereotyping, bullying and social engineering
    People certainly don’t like it when they are called out for such things. I mean some of the reactions I’ve gotten is quite shocking. It did seem like I was trolling them but with the change of tone of voice, it doesn’t come across so heavy. Just this week I was social engineered into going to work on my day off. Of course I changed the day off to a half a day but I called it. Peer pressure and social engineering
  10. Wound up and trolled
    I’d say I’m spending less time engaging with the trolls and being wound up. There will always be those who keep going but haters are going to hate, nothing new there.
  11. Do a cocktail mixology course
    I did a couple of these over the year, some were good some were questionable. But honestly none were noteworthy. Well I say that but the Dockbar (Media City Piazza) offered cocktail making for 5 pounds and you got to make 3 drinks. As this was the first time they had done this, I was the only taker and I got one on one supervision.
  12. Roller Coasting
    Yes my pleasure and joy, this year I got the pleasure of going to Thorpe Park but the upset of missing out on riding Alton Tower’s Smiler coaster twice! First time they moved the opening date to May from April. Then the week of the smiler opening I was ill, but to add a cherry on the injury, some friends went and they didn’t even go on the smiler!! You know next year is going to include a ride on the smiler!