Tag: guardian

Would you watch me date?

Dates in the past, have said I’m a very good dater, maybe because I like to ask a lot of questions and tend to spin from one thing to another quite naturally. Something to do with my dyslexia I think, or I’m just good at cocktail parties?

But would you want to ever see me date? I thought about this with channel4’s first dates programme, but didn’t get picked…

However recently Simon Lumb pointed me at the guardian’s watch me date…

Each week, we’ve chosen two different people, given them two pairs of Google Glass and packed them off on a date (there is usually a lot of alcohol involved too). Filming begins the minute they meet, and that off-button is only pressed once they’ve said goodbye. The results? You’re right there with them, on these awkward, often funny and sometimes even romantic first dates.

I heard about it via my collection of dating feeds but hadn’t checked it out till now.

The results are not too bad, I think there reasonable and quite interesting for 5mins of web video.

Would I sign up for it? Unlikely, although part of me is wondering if I should just give it ago. However this type of thing is what got me on the year of making love and how to have more sex… Harsh lessons to remember.

Why shes not a feminist

I have already posted about being a feminist and dating feminist. Interestingly Rosie posted how to find yourself a feminist partner which hopefully we will talk about on lovegrumps soon.

Recently I have butted head with different women over feminism. I don’t know what it is but so many women really hate the term and will never consider themselves feminist.

One such person is Girl Geek Upnorth, who wrote her feelings about why she doesn’t identify as a feminist. So I will reply…

  • I do not need to identify myself as a feminist to believe in equal rights and opportunities. I live in a world where I am free to make this choice, it is my right to do so, even if you don’t agree with it.

I agree, and I support her rights to make the choice not to identify as a feminist. Its ultimately up her, I just suggested she might want to consider it.

  • I do not believe that men and women are equal. I believe we should have equal rights and opportunities, but I celebrate our differences, and I can accept that these difference may lead to a divide in political, economical, cultural and social representations. This does not necessarily mean that equal rights and opportunities were not given.

Its all about equal rights and equal opportunities. Everybody is unique and different, I do celebrate this too. But they should have equal rights and opportunities.

So I think were saying the same thing pretty much, although she doesn’t use the label. However when it comes to the movement against and women against feminism, I’m less certain we agree.

It is my opinion, that in more recent times, feminism has been tainted. Something must be causing these women to feel like feminism is trying to make them feel like a victim, claim oppression, or be ashamed of wanting to be a stay at home mum instead of lawyer or doctor. These feelings don’t come from no where, and whether or not feminism represents these ideas or not, it does not make the opinions of these women any less valid. Maybe in their cases they don’t need feminism anymore because for them, the feminist movement has done its job, but I think it’s a damn shame that such an amazing movement has become so misunderstood and warped by today’s society.

I feel people are people and in groups, there will always be parasites. Or in this case people who claim to be feminist who don’t respect other peoples right to make decisions for themselves. For example when Jody wrote about her breast augmentation in the Guardian. The hateful comments from radical, self righteous, hypocritical, or even judgmental feminists was shocking.

I will admit I am finding more smart women who subscribe to the values of feminism but refuse to be called one. And its their right. I feel the word is in transition of being reclaimed, maybe in many years it won’t be a taboo to be called a feminist…. maybe?

Update… Andy Powell added his thoughts.

He asks the question about FEMINIST verses feminist. Or I you could say big F vs small f feminist. I did find the language politics highlighted by Tom Scott very interesting too. Although I can’t get behind Equalist.

…because of the attitudes of the FEMINISTS I find it difficult to claim I’m a feminist, so Im just going to go on record as saying I’m an Equalist.

Equalist for me is like when somebody says I’m  African American. I have been called it before while in America, to which I had to say I prefer Black thank you . I understand and respect why some people want to use that term but it feels like a half way house, and for what?

Feminist stirs the pot and conjures up thoughts in the people who hear it. Same as Black, same as Gay, same as Geek…

I guess at the end of the day as long as the values are equivalent it doesn’t matter what you use. Now thats something I can get respect.

Online dating? Why so serious?

Why so serious?

In passing I also found the hierarchy of seriousness in the Guardian’s post, interesting following the last post

At the top is something like Guardian Soulmates or Match – the ones you pay for. At the lower end are the likes of OKCupid or PlentyOfFish (POF) which are free, more casual and less “Where do you see yourself in 10 years’ time?”

Although I do agree about the statement, I think of it as more like a spectrum. You have your Match and Guardian Soulmates on one end and your Social dating apps like Tinder at the other end. Around the middle is something like OKCupid.

The more serious end of the spectrum is full of people wanting kids and marriage quickly. Theres also a certain amount of desperation you can feel coming from that end. Its very much what people use to make jokes about when they thought of online dating.

The other end is less serious and more casual. Yes you get casual hookups that end too but also you get people who are more laid back and less pushy about being in a relationship. Right now my circumstances would favor somebody from this end.

The mistake people make, is thinking all the quality is at the non-casual end of the spectrum. I’m not economist but dating is a bit of a numbers game. I guarantee the number of people you meet at the social dating end is far greater, even if its to meet and think never again. I would also contest that you will get more tech savvy young professionals and geeks than the other end.

Who pays…? Remember It’s 2014 after all…

Dinner date - Day 122, Year 2

Rob pointed me at a piece by David Mitchell in the Guardian about who pays on the first date. He called it my favorite subject, although to be clear its not, I just find it fascinating the social, society and gender pressures at force. I’m not the only one to notice this…

Why do we cling to prehistoric dating rituals in a technological age?

The majority of us still believe that men should pay when men and women go on a first date. Is this a sexist throwback, or a necessary means of communication between the sexes?

. A survey published this month found that 77% of us think that, between a male and a female, the male should foot the bill. Of the 1,000 respondents, 73% of the women and 82% of the men said that it was for the bloke to get his card out.

What do you think about that then? Terrible? OK? Presumably about 77% of you agree that the man should pay, but then you may still think it’s terrible that you think that. Is it a harmless remnant of a more sexist age, an adorable antiquated tradition that benefits women and has survived the passing of many of those that disadvantaged them? Or is it a horrible sign of the patriarchy’s continued power? Money, the great capitalist symbol of strength, remains the territory of the penis-bearers (by which I mean possessors, not endurers).

Ok so I looked at the survey in question, what I found was slightly disappointing.

77.4% of 1,004 people surveyed across the country who are in a relationship – believe men should pay the bill on a first date. About 19% felt the bill should be split in some way. Only 3.7% said men should not pay the bill.

…study asked more than 1,000 people across the United States

Survey of 1004 people? Thats it? And its American…. In the random survey I did myself, it showed Americans tend to go with the man paying plus 1004 isn’t a lot. Moneysavingexpert did a poll a little while back and they had 13,000+ people vote.

Ok ok…! Enough… David later makes some good modern points.

Another aspect of society’s sexism is that we generally assume the man will always want to have sex with the woman. By convention, he will have asked her on the first date, and the purpose of the event is for her to see if she likes him – his approval is assumed. That’s not altogether PC. What if she turned out to be racist or talk with an interrogative inflection or constantly say “in any way, shape or form”? Is the man supposed to pay and then make himself sexually available to this harridan, purely out of gallantry?

Absolutely… Just because we’re on a date and I’m a man doesn’t instantly mean its a foregone conclusion. Trust me I’ve been on dates where the woman has wound me up so bad, I’ve just wanted to get up and leave. Certainly sleeping with them is the very last thing I’m thinking.

…we try and communicate using money. We fall back on our knowledge of ancient patriarchal conventions of what it means to pay, or be paid for, as a way of trying to send and receive signals through the fog of mutual ignorance. It’s not a good system, but it’s all we’ve got. Until we get back to our computers and can just click “like”.

I’ve heard this quite a few times in the past. The only way to tell if somebody likes you is if he (or she) pulls out his/her credit card and pays the bill. Its a clear sign of interest. In 2014, it shouldn’t be this way and I’m hoping with projects like the flirty weekend, the ability to express yourself and understand other peoples body language won’t be the complex puzzle it currently seems.

Dating feminists

Found via Josh and Zoe on Facebook – Feminist Dating by Emma Jane Unsworth. I would say its a interesting take on what it can be like for a feminist woman dating in 2014.

The comments as you would expect (you only have to look at any of the comments following northern lass writings) are pretty vicious. There are parts I enjoyed and other parts I wasn’t so sure of.

To avoid time-wasters, I recommend sending over this quick questionnaire ahead of a meet: 1. Do you think the 1950s could be described as a golden era for gender relations? 2. Does the idea of a woman earning more money than you bring you out in hives? 3. Mine’s a pint – that OK? Ah, if only it were so simple

Certainly reminds me of the time I went out with a woman in Manchester. I paid for the first round, and she had a pint of beer and myself a cocktail (cosmopolitan). She was ok with it but the guys on the next table were confused. So confused they came up and asked if I had got the drinks around the wrong way!

I have to say Emma’s comments about who pays is a little confusing…

Let’s talk about paying the bill, holding the door open; the kind of old-school chivalry that makes knights of men and princesses of women. Princesses who need rescuing, usually. Now, because it’s not always practical to “rescue them right back”, like in Pretty Woman, this is a potentially perilous area. Is it disempowering to let someone pay the bill if they’re richer and just happen to be a man? Is this not just, you know, socialism? *ducks* All right, all right. Sometimes I do let people pay (hell, sometimes I offer to pay, if I’m feeling flush) but on other occasions I have nearly bankrupted myself for the sake of my pride. Nobody’s perfect.

The lovely women I date, are happy to split the bill and the debate which I tend to have with others (friends and family) just isn’t a issue with modern/feminist women. The decision about if the other person likes you, do not hinge on if he pays or not.

Dating women who identify as modern/feminist is a must for me. Its always been lovely dates and they tend to be the ones I end up being friends with afterwards. Although I have to say opposites sometimes do attract.  Maybe the friction is actually needed?

What a waste of all that power…

Xbox

Adrian retweeted a post from the Guardian about Microsoft commissioning original content and popular stuff like Game of Thrones.

Microsoft’s move into original programming pitches it deep into Netflix and Amazon territory in the battle to control the living room. The company has so far publicly revealed a slate of just six shows that will air on its Xbox games console – including a Steven Spielberg-produced TV series based on its hit game franchise Halo, a documentary on former console giant Atari, and a remake of Swedish scifi drama Humans in conjunction with Channel 4. However, the intention is to build a TV powerhouse.

My instant thought was… what a waste of all that power. Not only processing power but sensors and data. In my opinion, if Microsoft were smart they would commission content which is perceptive. Make it exclusively for xbox users and narrow the gap between TV and Games. For goodness sake they already have the ability to layer graphics over the top of programming using the HDMI pass through!

Its almost a crying shame that they have all this in place but seem doomed to follow the rest of the industry. Specially with all those patents they have in this area!

Disruptive this is not… yes another step towards another stack growing but not a leap forward

Goodbye 2013, welcome to the post Edward Snowden era

Truth is coming and cannot be stopped - Edward Snowdon

As the year draws to an end, there is one thing which stands out well in front of all other things which happened in 2013.

Edward Snowden coming forward as a whistleblower and releasing globally critical information. There is literally no bigger event which happened in 2013 like Edward Snowden’s mass leak of National Security Agency documents. Frankly Edward Snowden deserves he’s own day, to remind us of this turning point.

Yes I am saying he’s not just a hero but deserving of many achievements including Time’s person of the year.

Just today in the Guardian, Snowden said how he had won.

The whistleblower Edward Snowden has declared “mission accomplished”, seven months after revelations were first published from his mass leak of National Security Agency documents. The documents, which were passed to the Guardian, as well the Washington Post and other publications, revealed how technological developments were used by the US surveillance agency to spy on its own citizens and others abroad, and also to spy on allies, such as the US on Germany and Australia on Indonesia.

In 14 hours of interviews  with Washington Post journalist Barton Gellman, Snowden said: “For me, in terms of personal satisfaction, the mission’s already accomplished.” He continued: “I already won. As soon as the journalists were able to work, everything that I had been trying to do was validated. Because, remember, I didn’t want to change society. I wanted to give society a chance to determine if it should change itself. “All I wanted was for the public to be able to have a say in how they are governed.”

Channel4 have also gotten in on the action by getting Snowden to deliver the alternative Christmas message.

Six months ago, Snowden, a computer analyst turned whistleblower, brought to global attention top-secret National Security Agency (NSA) documents leading to revelations about widespread United States surveillance on phone and internet communications.

Snowden lays out his vision for why privacy matters and why he believes mass indiscriminate surveillance by governments of their people is wrong.

Something I will not be missing! Even if it means firing it up on my tablet or phone. Maybe I could hijack the TV via the newly bought Chromecast I installed on my parents TV?

Now down to business…

I’ve been watching the coverage of Edward Snowden’s leaks and watching how the NSA, GCHQ, etc have all come out and denied most of whats come out. But the sheer amount of data and facts is just so overwhelming. Even the embarrassed Cameron started to hit back at the media saying they are irking it out slowly for higher audiences.

What ever Cameron… The thing which has shocked me the most is with these super high profile leaks, most still don’t know who Snowden is or connect what this means with there own lives. If you were paying attention you would support the Open Right Group.

I asked my family if they knew who Edward Snowden was. Mum and Dad said no, sister said yes. Once explained who he was, (the NSA whistleblower) a little discussion erupted. Only a short one because there was some crap on TV which everyone was watching except me. My dad declared whistleblowers should be put to death for treason against their own country.

Now I’m sure there are many people who have this view. Although I’m angry at this view, I’m equally angry at ourselves for not making the connection with their own lives. The same people who think a porn filter will stop pedophiles from using the internet to share media and don’t really care that people might actually need the help of the resources its actually blocking.

These things all seem disconnected but actually they are connected in ways you don’t want to know.

2014 will mark the post Snowden era and a new era of data privacy and transparency. The question is if the every day person will get it? And when? Maybe some parts of the media end up boiling it down to a non issue between what Nigela’s done to her face and a stupid campaign to save the young from the evils of p0rn. As my dad said, “we all thought the government was spying on us” but to know it and have it spelled out so graphically is something else all together.

On the eve of Christmas I should be more happy, but I can’t help but feel 2014 is going to highlight the widening digital literacy gap between those who understand and those who don’t. The true digital divide…

You think 2010-2012 with Anonymous, The Pirate Party and Lulzec was crazy, you seen nothing yet! Before it was paranoia, now its really happening and at a level which shocked all of us.

Radio debate: Who pays on the first date?

Well its finally happening…

This Sunday (18th August 2013) evening on BBC Merseyside Radio, myself, Northern Lass 32 and Ngunan Adamu will battle it out to understand who should actually pay on the first date.

Of course I’ll be arguing that we should go dutch, while Ngunan will be arguing that the man should pay. Very sure Northern Lass will not be arguing the view point of the woman should pay. So I may have to bring that side of things up briefly. My research is vast from the stuff I’ve done myself, to the stuff I’ve read, blogged, recorded and of course the feedback gotten. And who could forget the massive trigger of comments Northern Lass kicked off following a early morning breakfast with me.

It might seem like me and Northern lass ganging up on Ngunan but I’m sure she will have support and to be fair its her show plus shes got a loud mouth, so don’t worry it will be a fair fight *smile*. I’m expected to be cut off a few times at least. I’m going to need Northern Lass just to bring some balance…

So if your free on Sunday, don’t forget to listen in and I believe its a live call in, so you could come on and join us. Not sure when its going to happen or how its going to happen but its going to be fun. Lets just hope I can understand Ngunan on air, because I can’t understand a word she says in real life most of the time.

Expect a full blog afterwards…

Speed dating a cure for internet dating?

Speed Dating

My now good friend Northern Lass 32 (well she feels like one) is writing again… This time about speed dating after I advised her that speed dating with online dating keeps things interesting and quite real.

The Manchester based dating blogger Cubic Garden had mentioned to me that he had more success meeting suitable dates speed dating than he had internet dating. So we figured it was worth putting any preconceptions to one side and giving it a go.

Not quite what I said but close enough. I’ve found the dates have come from both about equal but maybe speed dating wins out by a couple.

Preconceptions out the way and they go for it… Its a weird one, I’m not sure whats worst in most peoples minds? Online dating or Speed dating? To be fair I’ve done more than enough of both to go well beyond most peoples preconceptions.

On the way to the club, Dan was also growing increasingly conscious of what to ask when it came to opening questions. It was beginning to dawn on him that this was a night of intensive small talk. “Dunno,” I helpfully advised. “Pay them a compliment, then hopefully they will start asking questions?” We hadn’t thought this through … Dan doesn’t like small talk and I’m nosey so would probably seem a bit interrogate-y. But we had arrived and there was no point backing out.

What do you talk about is the number one question most people ask me… And I refer to the Stanford research on speeddating

Two researchers at Stanford University in California were just as intrigued by speed dating as I was. They found that there are a few key factors of the standard four-minute speed date that predict whether two people are likely to hit it off. They rounded up students to take part in a series of recorded speed dating sessions, then analyzed 1,100 transcripts of the subjects’ dates.

According to the study, men and women most often said they clicked when their conversation focused mainly on the women. Women were more likely to report connecting with men who used appreciative language (like “That’s great!”). Women also reported greater levels of connection with men who interrupted them — but only when they did so to show understanding and engagement (like “Exactly”).

Counterintuitively, asking questions was not necessarily a hallmark of a good dating conversation. Asking questions actually signals a lack of connection, most likely because it indicates that the participants feel the need to put effort into keeping a boring conversation going. Signs of a good conversation are much more subtle, like the variation in speech volume.

While some previous research on speed dating has found that physical attractiveness is the most powerful force determining whether two people are initially attracted to each other, the Stanford study proves there’s more going on. Another study found that speed-dating couples with similar speaking styles were more likely to report a mutual connection.

Its the small talk between a small number of questions. Too many questions and some-things up. To be fair if you can get a load of questions in 3-4mins then your questions are pretty crap and very much yes/no questions leading no where fast.

From inside the cubicle I could hear two girls discussing Dan and how nice they thought he was. Resisting the urge to be the source of mad squealings from behind the toilet door – “Yes – date Dan … both of you … he’s ace!” – I casually walked out and then ran off to the bar to tell him. Apparently a kind of friendship paradox had just occurred, as he too had stood next to a couple of blokes who were discussing how they would like to “give me one”. Aaaaawww … this was turning out to be dead romantic!

This is the factor which is really interesting… After the main event, specially on a weekend. Its a good time to hit the city with a bunch of new friends and a love interest. If your good you might even turn some of those no’s into yes’s in your love interest’s mind. Of course its too late to change the written sheet of but its been known to maybe walk away with a number or three after a night out. For love or forever friends.

It really depends how you look at things but the night is young and opportunities are abound.

The funny thing about speed dating is its almost the total opposite of online dating. You know nothing about each other and your thrust together for a short while face to face. Can you sink or swim?  Can you hack it or will the hackles get you? Its certainly not for everyone but that’s like online dating too I guess.

It works for me, (meeting lovely women and all)  with a certain amount of caution required, as you can see in my last post

Lastly… interesting and lovely to hear Northern lass has found someone and it seems to be going well…

I looked at the details of my match on the email. I knew I wasn’t going to call him. While all this had been going on, I’d been on a couple more dates with the man I’d met on a dating site a few weeks previously.

I’d been honest with him about everything from the start, the Facebook stalking of him before we met to ensure he wasn’t a mass murderer, the writing of this column, the speed dating with someone I had met dating, and he didn’t seem fazed by any of it.

We had entered into that relationship grey area. Though there had been no discussion of us being an item, it just didn’t feel right to be contacting another person

Looks like her post months ago was maybe a little rushed/misguided (remember how it irked me and irked her) and of course adds a little more strength to my argument that Facebook is online dating’s biggest threat.

Hope it all works out Northern Lass 32! Honestly… we’ve only known each other a short while but through her writing and our brief date I feel like I know her a lot more. Good on you…!
And remember 32 isn’t far off 34 *smile* I’m still here and can always be tempted to give out more hints and tips I’ve build up in my wikipedia of dating memory *smile again*

Men get ignored all the time, what can you do?

No more date nights..

Oh you got to love Northern Lass 32, always chipping away at the sore parts of online dating but slightly missing the core…

“The Silence” – that cruel tumbleweed blowing around your inbox; when a reply to your message seems to have got lost in the ether. Because no-one is rude enough to just ignore you, right? Even more so after a few messages or even a date?

Ummmmm yes! I won’t count how many times I’ve met a woman, gone on a date and text afterwards to make sure she got home ok. And nothing…! Another text the next day and still nothing… At this point I do wonder if some serial killer is knocking my dates off around the corner from my first date venues.

And thats if you get that far…!

You got the catfish factor or as we use to call them timewasters, as all they want to do is chat online and never go dating. Those who tell ball faced lies about themselves, horrible stereotypes, bad choices with photos and out and out trolls who just want to tell you how your profile sucks… To be honest your maybe off with a empty inbox?

But I guiltily hold my hands up to also not replying from time to time. When I first started online dating I replied to every single person. Before you know it, you are juggling a fair few conversations; some that you know full well are not going to lead to a date. On asking one person I dated how they handled this situation, he simply replied: “I just ignore them.”

After experiencing being ignored a couple of times, it kind of felt that this was just the way it was done. An unwritten code of accepted rudeness that you probably wouldn’t apply in other aspects of your life – unless you were a bit of a turd.

Yes thats pretty much where I have been for a while too. Its painful and rude but its the unwritten rule. You need to remove yourself from the timewasters, lairs and trolls some how. If someone thinks your one of those, then please for the sake of your and there sanity, don’t text, email or tweet over and over again.

Leave it! Its over, get over it, get back on your horse and ride into the sunset with your head up high. You have avoided being exactly what the other person thinks you were. Even more, you avoided being a stalker! Give your self a high five…! Lastly you can relax and watch Dawn Porter‘s piece with a look at the odds of a decent match

Women on average get way more interest than than men, its the way of the world what can you do about it? Nothing so don’t get down about it, keep a positive outlook…head up high!