Category: culture-and-politics

First dates hacked

The Town is All Their's Tonight

The man who usually trolls me Josh sent me a link to the lifehacker article about first dates.

First dates are tough. You’re trying to make a good impression on someone, but you’re also trying to read the person you’re with and see if they’re worth your time. Dating may not be an exact science, but that doesn’t mean we can’t use a little science to our advantage during that first interaction.

Once again, anyone who says its no big deal obviously has no idea what there on about, or hasn’t been dating in the last decade. Lifehacker has your back…

Here’s what you need to know.

A perfect first date is different for everyone, but you can guess that anyone will want solid conversation skills and a good first impression. Beyond that, though, things start to get complicated. Statistics help, but to really craft that perfect first date you need to know exactly how to handle yourself. This is where that science comes in. A lot of the relationship research out there is pretty useless (with riveting studies about how an unpopular name affects your dating success or women find men more attractive when another woman smiles at them), but we went out to find some of the more useful studies to help us craft that perfect first date. Here are the more useful tips we found.

Without ruining the article it boils down to…

  1. Keep the Conversation Interesting (and Risky)
    Absolutely…! This is the part of the date I kinda of enjoy somewhat. Maybe another reason why I quite like speed dating? You start with the basic stuff and before long your in risky territory pouring over past experiences. Its slightly cathartic in nature.
  2. Use the “Right” Amount of Eye Contact
    The right amount? Well I tend to look at people mouths because I’m 25% lip reading and 75% listening. But I do tend to look around the face. I agree the right amount of eye contact is important, no one wants to be eyeballed for long periods of time, specially on a date.
  3. Watch for Mimicry (But Don’t Go Overboard)
    Ok this is something talked to death about in certain books. Its also called mirroring and its go to hear the downsides to mirroring as well as the good. I know certain people who mirror too much and it comes across as weird. No generally I don’t mirror much but I’m conscious of mirroring.
  4. Mind Your Body Language
    Another key one. I don’t generally make a lot of fast or close moves because I don’t want them to feel uncomfortable around me. I’m also not the kind of guy who gets super close at the very start. I know some people will sit side by side instead of ahead from the other. It seems cute but I think its too much.
  5. Be direct with plans
    Although I like the idea of this one, I’m not so certain its a good idea. That extra pressure at the end of a date seems like a bad idea, I mean who wants to go home thinking about how they were pressured into a 2nd date?

Generally the advice is good and the links are excellent…. Good work Lifehacker

The Internship: Connecting people to information

The Internship Intl Poster

I watched the internship, nick named the Google movie a while back. If you haven’t seen it, I will warn you there maybe spoilers in this post.

Connecting people to information that’s what we do at Google…

Although I’m aware of some of the problems with Google, specially when it comes to Data collection (although they got nothing on the NSA) I’m somewhat sympathetic to the higher level value. And although I do have certain issues with Google, I’m generally neutral to positive about what they do. Watching the internship, I didn’t expect to be coming out the cinema thinking super positive thoughts.

Theres a number of negative ways you can look at the film…

  1. Sitcom rubbish
  2. Google propaganda
  3. American dream nonsense
  4. An advert for Google, which I paid to watch
  5. An alternative world which doesn’t exist

But while I watched, I enjoyed. Not only that, I was sitting in a cinema with a ton of older people who might actually identify themselves closer to the characters than my internet enabled self.

The internship is a simple hero’s journey film…

Billy (Vince Vaughn) and Nick (Owen Wilson) are salesmen whose careers have been torpedoed by the digital world. Trying to prove they are not obsolete, they defy the odds by talking their way into a coveted internship at Google, along with a battalion of brilliant college students. But, gaining entrance to this utopia is only half the battle. Now they must compete with a group of the nation’s most elite, tech-savvy geniuses to prove that necessity really is the mother of re-invention.

Of course at the end, Billy and Nick gain internships after the rollercoaster journey they take, yada yada…

So what surprised me is and made it interesting was…

  1. A strong rally cry for diversity
    This is very strong, and although it can be seen as the usual sitcom setup (look at the big bang theory for example) what makes it intriguing is it being at Google. A place seen as quite elite and somewhat pushy about qualifications and which university you came from? I remember in the early days talk of 7-9 interview rounds and very choosy selections. The idea of a group of quite diverse in age, gender and race in Google, still fills me with an element of oh really?
  2. A emphases on real-world experience
    Most of the film there are great views of the google campus but surprisingly there are lots of scenes outside the campus. At one point the diverse team we’re following through the film are sitting watching the sunrise above the golden gate bridge. One of the characters known for looking at his phone all the time, turns to Nick and says he would like to stay a little longer. Taking in the current/now. Also this is explicitly told when Neha turns to Billy at the strip club (whaaat theres a strip club in the google movie? yeah I know!) and says that despite her rich virtual/fantasy life, she has no real-world experience. This could almost be an advert for schemer.
  3. Ideas from elsewhere
    As said before a good section of the film exists outside the google campus, not only that. There is the notion that ideas come from it rather than just the googleplex. Lyle’s drunken antics inspire the team to create an app that guards against reckless phone usage while drunk. Theres also lots of references to the knowledge characters have from previous experiences, as you’d expect I guess.
  4. The fact there is a scene in a strip club
    This shocked me, not only was there a scene in a strip club but some of the strippers were actually topless. Although this is part and parcel of a sitcom, I didn’t imagine google would be that comfortable with this? Theres even a small joke about one of the guys who ends up in the toilet drying himself under the hand dryer for obvious reasons. Once again part of parcel of a Vince Vaughn sitcom but not what I expected Google or even most corporations to let slide.
  5. And not just one but two relationships
    So you got all this real good memes about diversity, real world experience mixed up with in a sitcom and then they throw in not just one but two love stories. Nick casing a geek sexy Dana and Lyle getting his geeky charm on with Marielena. We’re not talking an episode of Dates but the thread of love is nicely handled. Lyle’s love interest also highlights the just be yourself quality too.
    Yes could be corny and talk about the non-love relationships between characters like Headphones tutoring Billy but thats best left alone.

The internship surprises and puts a smile on your face. It certainly warms the relationship with google, which I guess is the main point. If Vince Vaughn convinced Google of that fact, then he succeeded. The film will feel dated in years to come and is never going to win any awards but with a IMDB rating of about 6.3 its certainly way above most sitcoms and even most films out there.

Oh by the way, although Tiya Sircar as Princess Leia was funny. I would rather have seen more of Geeky Dana… Oh Google if only you were using Perceptive Media eh?

Upfront therapy on BBC Merseyside

2013-10-06%2021.07.53

Back on the airwaves of BBC Radio Merseyside discussing topics of the heart.

From how much to share with your partner to a critical deconstruction of my love life, its all on BBC Merseyside (1hour 10mins in). Some how we turned from me telling/blaming the ladies of upfront about how I paid when I should have gone dutch into a live therapy session! Interesting being called a serial dater again and again. Of course thats a debate in its self… Who knows maybe we’ll go into that topic one day?

As usual its funny and good Sunday night entertainment which you can catch up on for 7 more days.

There’s a archive copy here too once the 7 days pass.

The twisted route down the rabbit hole

Blue pill or the red pill

Herb pointed me to a piece about Redditredpill.

The man who uses the Internet handle “Redditredpill” is having difficulty understanding women after going to a nightclub with some friends. As he tells it, “girls threw themselves at us for a sip of our vodka, to sit with us, to feel wanted.” These girls had “no intent on actually getting with [him]”:

Imagine the reverse. I tried it. A table of girls, I went over to the girls on other side of club, and said ‘Hi, can I get a sip of your champagne? Can I join you?’

What was the response? ‘F— off, go away, who are you, why should we let you sit with us?’

Said exactly the same to the [women] that came up to us […] So a group of single girls on a table allowed some [women] to sit with them, rather then an attractive male, who they didn’t know, [who] actually had a table himself […]

Point is, they tried […] and failed. And I tried to go to a group of girls and that failed too, as they thought they were superior.

This may sound like the instigatory words of someone looking for a fight, sarcasm gone too far at best. But Redditredpill shared his story in earnest with a very specific community that empathizes with his perspective.

It’s more than a perspective, in fact: It’s a philosophy.

The basis of this philosophy, which underpins almost all conversations in his community, is that females get away with things by virtue of being female.

And there is a community of men who really buy in to the ideaology, that men have had it harder that women.

Yes the same women who couldn’t vote in the last 50 years for example, yes those women.

The Red Pill is a collection of ideas encompassed by what its subscribers refer to as the “manosphere,” a number of loosely-associated blogs that focus on masculinity and personal philosophy for men. At the surface level there’s nothing terribly contentious about this, but if you click around one or two layers deeper, you’ll find plenty of examples why chatter from this gallery regularly turns heads. Like this:

“You are hating women because you have the wrong expectations for them. Don’t hate someone for something they CANNOT be. Women are, by nature, manipulative, attention-seeking, inconsistent, emotional, and hypergamous. Accept this truth. Once you do, you can game women for what they are … not what you want them to be.”

The community’s name is a tip of the hat to the truth-seeking attitude in The Matrix – Keanu Reeves pops a red pill to unplug his mind from a simulated world, freeing him to explore genuine reality.

For Red Pillers, genuine reality goes something like this: Female oppression is a myth and men are the ones holding the short end of the stick. That said, men and women are inherently different due to evolution, so each gender should carry out its designated role in society. For example, females should raise children at home and men should work and have sex with women.

Like all ideologies, there are those who stand on the sidelines and those who buy into it hook line sinker. As the blog post points out, most are just interested in getting one up on women in “the game” department.

This all really troubles me because what the red pill community have done is reduced the whole of female kind down to one stereotype. Maybe there mothers were not as kind and caring as my own but surely someone along there time on this earth was, and shock horror they were female! Its far too easy and convenient to just remember the bad experiences.

If you change women/female for black you get a different take on the whole debate.

You are hating blacks because you have the wrong expectations for them. Don’t hate someone for something they CANNOT be. Blacks are, by nature, manipulative, attention-seeking, inconsistent, emotional, and hypergamous. Accept this truth. Once you do, you can game blacks for what they are … not what you want them to be.

Ok it doesn’t quite work, but you can see it working with a few tweaks?

And I’m sure there are communities somewhere online who believe similar stuff about blacks and many other races (most noticeable are the holocaust deniers). Its far too easy to blog about how the whole community are wrong, misguided, dangerous, blah blah.

What I wonder is about the self-help nature of the community. Simon already mentioned years ago how the game is really self-help for men. Self help in the context of women?

I don’t see this as a problem, IF you don’t then turn against the thing your maybe working towards?

The problem is self confidence, fear of rejection and other deep rooted things. This raises the never-ending question of nature-versus-nurture, or genes versus environment I guess. But to be honest I wonder if most of this is a crisis of masculinity? Instead of embracing, they reject and hate because its easier to hate than embrace. Once the hate starts, everything re-enforces this (or at least it seems that way).

These guys shouldn’t be hated rather shown female kind is as wildly diverse as male kind or any ecosystem. There will be some bad eggs but you shouldn’t write off that kind…

We are all different and thats what makes us human. Embrace…

What is a Catfish?

Catfish doc

A few people recently have asked me,

What is a Catfish?

Well urban dictionary says

A catfish is someone who pretends to be someone they’re not using Facebook or other social media to create false identities, particularly to pursue deceptive online romances. For example…

Did you hear how Dave got totally catfished last month?! The fox he thought he was talking to turned out to be a pervy guy from San Diego!

I was really falling for that gorgeous gal on Facebook, but she turned out to be a catfish

So catfishing is…

The phenomenon of internet predators that fabricate online identities and entire social circles to trick people into emotional/romantic relationships (over a long period of time).

Possible motivations: revenge, loneliness, curiosity, boredom

The term catfishing was inspired by the 2010 documentary “Catfish.”

Gwen was worried that her online boyfriend was a phoney after she saw a TV program about Catfishing.
Its a newish phenomena but has a history in the way some rather disturbed humans deal with new communication technology.

Lets look at the Catfishing of our twitter/dating acquittance Claire Travis Smith and many other woman, as a example… in the hoaxer who breaks womens hearts.

The name of Amy Palmer has been changed, too. She may not deserve a covering identity, another one; even so, after discussion with psychologists and with editors at the Observer it was agreed that this extensive, energetic fraud could only have been conducted by a profoundly disturbed person. When I presented the evidence gathered to an investigative psychologist, Dr Keith Ashcroft, he suggested “the temporary relief of boredom” as one of the hoaxer’s motivations. He also introduced me to the psychologists’ term “duping delight”. Dr Ashcroft explained: “Essentially a thrill derived from having victims being intensely controlled and manipulated by carefully formulated deceptions. This is often the modus operandi of a psychopath.”

Catfish = Psychopath, maybe? I usually think of them as people with problems who’s self confidence might be quite low.

Its important to note, most Catfishers do not do it for money. So there quite different from spammers or scammers, although the process of convincing the mark/victim can be very similar to start. Anyone can fall for it, not just women but men too…Its worth mentioning on top of all this, MTV have a series using the same guys behind the 2010 documentary.

The show is your typical MTV stuff but when your watching you think “nahhh not me“, well let me tell you its easily done and once they got you, they got you good.

I have been lucky to avoid them to date but its worth following rule number 7 in dawn porters guide to dating.

7. Get real – and get real early. Don’t fall for the spell of email and text – feeling close online says nothing about whether you’re compatible in real life. So talk on the phone and meet up as soon as you possibly can.

As someone once said, if it seems to good to be true, it probably is… Now I’m waiting for the 419 eater for catfishers. Maybe it should be called Dogfishing or something like that?

Umairh says… Its not Sci-Fi

_T5P1197

After yesterday’s lists from Umair Haque, who I had the pleasure of meeting once a long while ago. I thought I’d share a couple more of his lists of Twitter knowledge.  Here a couple which caught my eye and had me retweeting earlier in the week.

I’m going to do five quick points on stuff many Americans think is science fiction, but isn’t 🙂 17:13:23
  1. In London, I can walk down the street, visit the doctor, and get healthcare. Free!! It’s not science fiction 🙂
  2. In Europe, I can take trains across the continent, that are effectively faster than taking planes. Cheap!! It’s not science fiction.
  3. In Australia, I can go take a walk and see happy people. Smiling!! Having fun!! Because they have nice lives. It’s not sci-fi 🙂
  4. In Paris, I can hit the bistro on nearly any corner, get a nice meal, and a bottle of wine. That won’t kill me! It’s not sci-fi.
  5. In Scandinavia, if I’m homeless, I probably won’t die. I’ll get a place to live and an income. It’s not science fiction.
  6. In London, in the summer, people leave the office at 5. And sit outside and have beer until the sun goes down. It’s not sci-fi.
  7. There’s more to life than work. If you’re spending yours on the bullshit of bosses, meetings, and powerpoints, you’re wasting it.

From a few of the questions I use to get when in the states, I can imagine these questions and thoughts will be like sci-fi to some parts of america. Specially like the health care one and of course the beer after work. Very much part of the UK culture which takes some time to adjust and understand. Of course number 7 is great and reminds me of this next list.

I’m going to do five quick bits of life advice. Enjoy 😉 08-23-2013 17:14:52
  1. The point of life is love.
  2. You can spend much of your life running away from the fact that the point of life is love. Many people do 🙂
  3. It takes courage, determination, and a lot of reflection to live the life you want.
  4. Don’t accept mediocrity. Be awesome.
  5. Everybody needs to change the world a little bit. Why do you think Bill Gates isn’t golfing all day?
  6. You can do it. But you have to start 😉

Reflection is something I’ve already starting doing and Adrian did suggest updating my grassroots innovation blog one day soon.

The most famous speech in human history: Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream”

Martin Luther King Jr. - I Have A Dream Speech

Its been 50 years since Martin Luther King’s massively inspirational and moving speech. I was watching some of the programmes from the BBC about the speech and Martin Luther King himself. I didn’t really get a chance to blog about it but here’s some great stuff Umair Haque wrote on twitter and fb.

On the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech, here are 10 points on his legacy and what it still means to us today:

  1. If MLK was alive today, wonks would tell him a revolution of love was impossible, politicians would ignore him, and pundits would mock him.
  2. MLK was a great leader. He wasn’t a wannabe. He wasn’t a cowering flunky. He didn’t sell his dream out. He was the real thing.
  3. So I can’t tell whether its funny or sad to hear glowing praise for MLK from people who surely would have hated him were he alive today.
  4. It’s amazing to me how America misremembers MLK. As a policy “activist”. Wrong. He wanted a revolution of love.
  5. MLK didn’t want slightly higher taxes, or one new law. He wanted something bigger: revolution in people’s hearts. A revolution of love.
  6. So to remember MLK as some kind of policy wonk or activist or lobbyist is laughable. He was more than that. He was a real leader.
  7. MLK was the kind of leader whose memory tells us: we don’t have much real leadership left today. Just wimps selling out.
  8. MLK is probably one of the last people in America who called for real institutional change. For that, he was spied on, jailed, and killed.
  9. MLK didn’t just want an end to segregation. He wanted an end to poverty, war, anger, and greed.
  10. What MLK’s memory should remind us of is: once we had revolutionaries. Now we have analysts. Because we killed our revolutionaries.

In honor of MLK, I’m going do 7 points on dreams. Enjoy!

  1. Each and every one must have a dream. That marry who we are with what we want the world to become.
  2. Your dream is your destination. Without one, you’ll always feel lost.
  3. There are better dreams, and worse dreams. Better dreams are bigger than just you, and your aspiration.
  4. Heartbreak doesn’t happen when your dreams don’t come true. It happens when they do.
  5. Don’t cripple your dreams. With evidence or logic or doubt. Dreams are a kind of magic.
  6. Dreams are always impossible. And so we must use a force stronger than our minds to ignite them. We must have faith in them.
  7. Never step on people’s dreams. They’ll rarely forgive you. Always lift people towards their dreams. They’ll love you for it.

Barbra Streisand moves to Islington wharf?

My Dad Found This In A Dumpster

Ok the title is misleading, Barbra Streisand is not moving to Islington Wharf. But I bet if you lived here, you might not be so surprised, heck the chances are you might be excited! Maybe if I changed to another gay icon like Nick Frost, I might have you convinced?

Its Manchester Pride this bank holiday and its amazing to see how large a venture its turned into. I was seeing reports on Twitter that one of the events was warehouse project styled. For those outside of Manchester, the warehouse project is…

The Warehouse Project is a series of club nights organised in Greater Manchester, England, since 2006. It runs from September through to New Years Day each year plus occasional one off dates such as Bank Holiday weekends. It began operations in the disused Boddingtons Brewery in Strangeways, and then moved into a space under Manchester Piccadilly railway station, which previously served as an air raid shelter

The key point is Pride is massive and I was talking to Jane yesterday. I estimated 40% of islington Wharf might be gay… However Vivid Lounge’s Sam, suggested to me that I might be in the minority. In other words there may be a lot less straight people that I think living at Islington Wharf.

So what is it about islington wharf/new islington/northern quarter which seems to attract gay men and women? Me and Jane were talking about this yesterday too. Could it be one of these?

  1. Is it the proximity to Canal Street (Manchester’s famous gay village)?
  2. Is it being close to Piccadilly train station?
  3. Is it the flat prices?
  4. Is it the 5% deposit scheme?
  5. Is it that islington wharf is gay friendly generally?

Sam thinks its a chicken and egg problem, but the proximity to the village (canal street) is great for gay people. I don’t personally think its that close but considering other areas, like castlefield, green quarter, spinning fields, etc he might have a valid point. The proximity to Piccadilly station is attractive for everyone including myself. I can go from door to train in less than 15mins walking.

Sam suggests maybe lots of gay people working away from Manchester and this would be high on the list maybe? I do know a few people who work in London 3 days a week and yes they are gay.

The price of the flats and the deposit scheme might work hand in hand. Saving up 5% deposit for a flat is great news and to be fair if your buying it alone this can be done. Usually saving a deposit of 10% is a struggle and only a couple can do it maybe? (before you scream at me in the comments yes I know lots of gay couples but generally I would say most gay people in Islington Wharf are single, judging by the shocking amount of men on Grindr – that I’ve been shown!)

The chicken and egg problem Sam suggested might come into play with the last one. How do you make it gay friendly? I would suggest Islington wharf is full of modern thinking/liberal people who don’t have a problem with gay people in society. I remember one guy who was gay himself, who seemed a little shocked that I was so accepting of gay culture (he assumed I might have a slight problem). I think he expected me to be upset about it or something?

If anyone works out the answer to the question, they will be very wealthy (and of course rich which would be a shame)

What ever the reason, there are some interesting studies about the difference a Gay community can do. I’m just happy to be living in a place full of interesting liberal minded people… Starbucks and Pizza Express (meant to be the sign of a up and coming area right?) do not have a patch on the rainbow flags and consistent looking at mobiles screens of the gay community. Funny enough, Umair Haque said something which is very fitting…

Never bet against love. It’s the only force that has ever truly changed the world…

Truth is coming and cannot be stopped – Edward Snowdon

Truth is coming and cannot be stopped - Edward Snowdon

Seen on Tib Street in the Northern Quarter of Manchester… Another reason to love the Northern Quarter.

It couldn’t get any more epic unless on the other side it said “ALL YOUR BASES BELONG TO US… signed NSA” Unfortunately although great in one scope, but not so epic is Heisenberg from Breaking Bad instead.

There is so much I want to say about whats going on with our data ending up in the hands of the NSA and ultimately the US government but to be honest the Open Rights Group have got this much better covered. If your not already a member, for goodness sake be one! The war for a open and free internet has stepped up a gear.

Will it be fluff or be actually interesting? Dating on BBC Radio

The Cougar & Her Date

The BBC hasn’t got the best track record of covering issues like dating… Who could forget (I certainly won’t) the terrible year of making love? But to be fair they did good job covering the problems with online dating in Panaroma recently. However compare it to Channel4’s recent mating/dating. 2 run away hits… Dates and First Dates plus all the other back up programmes put Channel4’s mating coverage well above the BBC’s to date.

However, BBC’s radio coverage is getting better. I’ve heard recently Miss London’s 28 dates later which had me in stitches…

In her first Radio 4 series, London Hughes aka Miss London writes and stars in a sitcom about the tricky world of romance and dating in the capital – does it ever live up to the romantic dreams pedalled by Rom Coms? Shona, played by London works in a cinema with best friend Kristen and is desperately searching for someone to make her life complete but still doesn’t get the compromises needed to make love work.

Of course follow my brief time on BBC Merseyside, it will be interesting to hear what happens when BBC Radio 4’s Womens hour and Men’s hour get together to discuss online dating (thanks Tony for the tweet).

If this list is anything to go by, I’m already worried…

Cough up: the bill is a gender politics minefield. To grab the bill and offer to pay looks like retro male-dominant chauvinism – to sit back and leave the bill in no-man’s land looks a bit cheap and not manly enough. So, politely ask if you can pay the bill. However, if she has shown a total disinterest in you during the date – and not asked any questions about you – then suggest you split the bill. That’ll teach her (nothing) but make you feel you’ve escaped with some dignity (miniscule)

Don’t get me started! *smile*

Come on BBC, I know your better than this… lets hear something worth while, new and actually interesting. Please no stereotypes… Online dating is interesting and has changed/warpped culture. Theres plenty to explore… otherwise expect another round of relationships 2.0!