Thoughts and ideas of a dyslexic designer/developer
My Dating Against Humanity video is now up on Youtube. Enjoy… Sure I’ll get some very mixed feedback from people.
Background information about the focus of the slides is here in the notes.
I did wish they sorted out the aspect ratio on the slides, but otherwise its what I pretty much remember of the talk. Other TedxMCR talks are also up.
The book I mentioned is now the start of another blog called dating yarns.
Remember those 36 questions? The ones I referred to in the stop following stupid dating steps, get some advice blog post a while ago. Mandy Len Catron’s essay, has spun out a lot of takes but recently a friend pointed me towards a experiment involving the exact same 36 questions.
Here’s the complete list.
Then… you have to look into your partner’s eyes for four minutes. In silence, just like the eye contact experiment.
So I’m thinking especially since being involved in the eye contact experiment and a few other things. Maybe it could be fancinating to do, but all the stuff I’ve seen is more for giggles and jokes, hence my reludance about the whole thing. What it sounds like you need, is something on the line?
Enter… Undressed a new show idea by RDF media.
TLC, the pay TV entertainment channel has commissioned UNDRESSED, an innovative and experimental dating show that sees two perfect strangers undress each other and climb into bed on a first date in an exciting new series that accelerates intimacy and explores the accepted rules of attraction.
Guess who decided to sign up?!?
Following Lumbs law… “If there’s an opportunity to experience something which will make a great story and it won’t put you or somebody else in danger… you should do it”
Yeah I know!
To be fair when I applied, I thought about it long and hard, especially with my previous experiences. But didn’t really take into consideration the fact of being half naked on TV. I hadn’t looked it up till now. The Italian version is on youtube…
Its very intimate, but my worries about it being trashy is slightly relaxed at least. Althought the press have had a field day with it all.
The couple have 30 minutes alone together wearing nothing but their underwear, during which they will be given “probing” questions via a screen and tasks “designed to rapidly foster relationships”. Blimey – it makes First Dates look like the Antiques Roadshow
The unique dating show has already been a hit in Italy, where the contestants were often seen to be embarrassed when told to strip before throwing off their inhibitions along with their clothes.
In my TedX Manchester orginal slide deck, I had a bit about accelerate intimacy. Well this is certainly accelarated! 30mins at Mach 1…
I haven’t written on the Single Black Male blog for a long while, but I still read and keep thinking about adding a different viewpoint on the subject in hand. The guys behind it are a good bunch and its always interesting reading the emails back/forth.
One such post recently spiked my interest. Is Celibate The New Single?
To which I say no… and then;
Have you ever had one of those intimate conversations that just could go on forever? You don’t even realize the hours that have flown by, but your cheeks hurt from smiling and you can’t stop blushing? You share parts of yourself in ways you hadn’t expected, or maybe even experienced. You feel truly known, and you truly know the person across from you: dreams, goals, loves, everything. You are known intimately – not known physically just yet – and even though you’re ready, you’re not in a rush. Imagine if this were the core of your relationship; this love you always express, and this lust you haven’t tapped into. Imagine being intimately and truly seduced, before having sex.
Yes… this is what I call intimacy, and it doesn’t need to be tied to sex.
Unfortunately the rest of the post talks/links in a load of celebrity couples I’ve never heard of. I couldn’t really care less about them but I think its misguided to call it celibacy.
These things all exist on a spectrum, including intimacy.
You can have physical intimacy, cognitive intimacy, activity intimacy and emotional intimacy. I’m sure there are more… I have a feeling there is tangible link with the 6 different types of love.
Interestingly…
It’s 2016, and we may be in a new era of singledom. Actually, maybe it’s the old days of being single coming back around, full-circle. There’s something kind of poetic in knowing you have touched every part of a person’s soul before you’ve touched their body.
I get the cycle argument, I have even talked about the cycle back and forth within online dating between physical and mental. However, to the point of singletons, its always been there. People have found intimacy over the internet, via text, in the street, while at meetups, in many different ways. Its doesn’t sound sexy (pun intended) but it just happens.
Singletons are not subscribing to celibacy, they are doing what comes naturally by finding intimacy in different ways. Some find it through physical means, some through mental means. Little has changed, and if it has its certainly not because people have decided celibacy is the only option.
By knowing a person in every way but sexually, and saving that for last, the foundation of the relationship just seems stronger, more stable, almost even … sexier.
There is no right or wrong, its what works for you and the potential partner(s). If celibacy is that, then great. But to claim that the new celibacy is the new singletons is frankly ridiculous on so many levels.
There is a iffy smell of religion running through the single black male post. I know its American focus and it wouldn’t be the first time but I wanted to say, its great they highlighted things but the conclusion seems off the mark. Singletons are not
I almost choked on my coffee this morning at breakfast while reading what Christian Rudder – co-founder and former CEO of OkCupid, Harvard alumnus and author of Dataclysm. Wrote about the online dating industry…
Dating is rough. That’s why there are always so many dating startups: Because users of dating startups are always like, ‘God, this thing is broken, I’m going to fix it.’ What they don’t realize is that dating itself is the thing that’s kind of horrible and no app is ever going to fix that.
Interesting take on the problems related to online dating… although I still think the dating industry is endemiclily corrupt. Dating is very rough, I agree but I think its over shadowed by the lies and false promises of the industry which capitalise on this. Of course this is what I think but… I’d love to ask Christian directly what he thinks?
Interestingly… I thought they would push for a valentine date. But the love online is in the second half of the line up, meaning you will have to wait for June or July. Of course I can’t say anything but you can look some of the run up.
Unfortunately I can’t see the video because I’m currently outside the UK and my proxy isn’t working as expected at the moment over this slower connection in Lagos, Portugal. But I gather it includes scenes of people I will know quite well… So instead here is the summary from the site.
How To Find Love Online
The internet has transformed every part of our lives and is now changing arguably the most important – our love lives. Internet dating is a cultural phenomenon and is now the second most common way that couples meet. But what is the best way to make the online search for love successful? What are the ‘matchmaking’ algorithms that the big companies use? Do they really deliver the goods, is it really clever marketing and actually a giant con – is there really any science?Dr Hannah Fry studies patterns in human behaviour and has been studying the underlying algorithms that power internet dating sites. Dr Xand Van Tulleken is single and looking for love and, with help from Hannah, he experiences the world of online dating, from creating the perfect profile to looking at the biological basis of love.
…a game in which nice single people are roped into a horrible game with others, resulting in cognitive overload, shocking manners, narcissism, algorithmic prejudice, financial loss and decisions based purely on appearances.
I updated my presentation with notes or rather a little commentary inside the notes of what I’m thinking about in the slide; for example…
So @cubicgarden is using @TEDxManchester to pick up dates on #ValentinesDay ?#TEDxMCR pic.twitter.com/Kmh42aRd8H
— Kirsty Devlin (@Kirstydevlin1) February 14, 2016
You can look at the slide and think, bit of serial dater? Really? Well here’s the background to my thoughts on that slide…
The word serial dater always conjures up visions of players, so I kind of prefered ethical dater. Because although I dated more than most typical people, it was a great chance to make friends and go to new places.
So here is the full breakdown of my thoughts on google slides or slideshare.
Enjoy! Next time will be the actual video, which I have actually seen, its pretty good and entertaining.
I had always thought and stood by the idea that love is wider than the romantic love we are sold growing up in a western society. It wasn’t till I went to Laura Gordon‘s Dream Builders #4: Love Actually event, that I learned about the 6 words the greek use to describe love.
From what people at the event were saying, it was bounded around on twitter on valentine day but I guess I was too busy at TedxManchester to see it.
So the 6 words are…
There was discussion about the need for all 6 in different ways and of course how we are sold the idea that love is Eros; especially in western society. I had never really heard the terms and it reflects on my own thoughts and what certain people say to me about my own love life.
People have commented that maybe the reason why I don’t need/can afford to be so picky, is because I fill my time with the company of other friends. For some reason the percentage of female friends is higher than most men I know too. Don’t ask me why, but I have thoughts (for another blog post maybe)
This isn’t that blog post but in reflection on the 6 types of love, theres a whole lot of Philia and Agape in my life. This is also why I don’t necessarily feel like I’m missing something in my life.
I’m carving out something unique by spreading some love around by sharing my reality with friends and family, you only have to look at the amount of parties, BBQs, etc I do and have done. My hope is I’ll share it with someone who understands and loves the way I view the world.
…a game in which nice single people are roped into a horrible game with others, resulting in cognitive overload, shocking manners, narcissism, algorithmic prejudice, financial loss and decisions based purely on appearances.
…a game in which nice single people are roped into a horrible game with others, resulting in cognitive overload, shocking manners, narcissism, algorithmic prejudice, financial loss and decisions based purely on appearances.
I’m just back from TedxManchester which was at homemcr, where I gave a presentation about onlne dating and some of the things I’ve observed about it. I believe I’m the first person to publicilly ask for a date from a Tedx stage.
Today is the day – Dating against humanity my #tedxmcr talk – https://t.co/GqhEO7g586
— Ian Forrester (@cubicgarden) February 14, 2016
It went well but I did have to speed up at the end, which did mean loosing some of my connecting points.
Maybe I’ll do a full breakdown of my thoughts but for now here’s some of the higher level ones.
Great TedX once again by Herb Kim and the thinking digital crew.
It was so apt, giving such a talk on valentines day…
I’ll write a review of the other great talks in a few days time, but I wanted to post up the slides as so many people have asked me about them.
February 14th is always known for valentines day, well this year get yourself down to Homemcr. How can you get more romantic? Don’t worry I’ll make sure there is enough love for everybody…
TEDxManchester is back, and it would be fair to say I’m involved after talking at TedxManchester2 and arranging TEDxManchester originally with a bunch of great collaborators in 2009!
TEDx events were created in the spirit of the TED conferences’ mission: ‘ideas worth spreading’. They are designed to give communities, organisations and individuals the opportunity to stimulate dialogue through TED-like experiences at a local level. TEDx events are a worldwide phenomenon with thousands of events popping up from San Francisco to Sydney. Following on from the first TEDxManchester in 2009 at the BBC, and subsequent editions at Cornerhouse and University of Manchester Student Union, we’re excited to have the first HOME edition of TEDxManchester in 2016!
The final tickets will go back on sale Thursday 14th January at noon, don't miss them! #TEDxMCR pic.twitter.com/MQlvrEiNbm
— TEDxManchester (@TEDxManchester) December 16, 2015
One day I’ll meet Sarah Ryan, as she gives some great advice, this one included. The last point resonated with me .
Just Say Hello There is a chance, dare I say it, that you may come across someone dashingly handsome or delightfully beautiful in your local coffee shop or whilst picking up a loaf of bread at Waitrose. What is the worst that can happen if you just say hello, ask for the time or ask where they purchased an item they are donning? It may seem like a daunting task but we can not hide behind our laptops & iphones forever in dating- we do have to tackle the human element to make a relationship work. Top Tip: Try saying hello to someone new everyday, wherever, whenever. You never know who you might meet!
Absolutely…!
Sarah is right, the thing which mainly stops people is the fear of rejection. I was showing my blog about myself to a colleague a while ago and they asked me, what goes through my mind when I do the things I do?
I said, I do have that level of fear which naturally comes to everybody but I dampen it down quickly and not let it fester in my mind. I feel the longer you let it fester, the more likely you won’t act or so anything.
But on the same point, the opportunities and experiences I have had, make it even easier to do it again and push myself even further.
The other day I was in North Tea Power with my headphones off as usual, working away on visual perceptive media. I heard a women next to me talking on the phone, but she happen to say….
“Things would be so much easier if there was one ontology for everything….“
After she finished, before the fear crept in, I repeated back to her the statement and added a question mark to it (aka raised my voice at the end) From that moment we were off talking for about 20mins. Learned a lot about her and she may have learned a lot about me. Such a lovely conversation we had…
Funny enough (on a related note) Sherry Turkle has been popping up here and there recently…
I bought her excellent book Alone Together and haven’t started on the new one, reclaiming conversation.
I was listening to the Tech news today #1418 special with her and happen to tweet it, when Martin pointed out she was on Radio 4 at that exact moment (the beauty of serendipity and being open to it)
Just catching @STurkle on technewstoday, a must listen! https://t.co/kX9tedOVMR
— Ian Forrester (@cubicgarden) January 6, 2016
@cubicgarden @STurkle on Radio 4 right now too 🙂
— Martin Bryant (@MartinSFP) January 6, 2016
So I checked it out, BBC Radio 4 today,. Interesting stuff… Expect another blog entry about this and more Sherry Turkle thoughts soon..
Lauren’s blog always tends to catch my eye (specially the #ocadoandchill one) when reading through my RSS feeds. Unfortunately the feed doesn’t quite work as it should but her cheap date ideas got me thinking instantly…
6 Cheap London Date Ideas
Maybe I should do one for Manchester too?https://t.co/C9vowtkXT6— Ian Forrester (@cubicgarden) January 9, 2016
How about 7 Cheap Manchester Date ideas? (got to be one better that London)
I didn’t mention parks, the pennies, bury market, weekend brunch, football, the underground tours, graffiti tours, shopping, cycle tours, etc… I’m sure many others have ideas, and all without mentioning netflix and chill.
Had a really interesting conversation at a party about block and delete. It reminded me of previous friends who I had dated who would deal with the end of a relationship by blocking the other person. Luckily I haven’t been on the end of a block and delete too many times (only a couple to mind).
I do understand why people block and delete but I think its used too easily and quickly instead of dealing with conflict or be honest with your feelings with the other person. I feel like its almost in the same category/area/orbit as another blog post I wrote about simple answers to difficult questions. Rather than even try and work things out, just block them and delete their details. Its so easy (like swipe left and right?) This makes ghosting look positively fair as a result.
Watch the short film "Ghosting", scored by @hundredwaters https://t.co/9qOyumd6w7 pic.twitter.com/aBh2PE6EzE
— Pitchfork (@pitchfork) December 30, 2015
Forget it happened, ignore the past and ultimately not learn from it? In the 7 stages of a relationship breakup, there is something important about facing your partner and being honest in the healing process. Something about block and delete directly cuts across. I compare it to the way prisoners sometimes are forced to face their victims – Restorative Justice.
Face-to-face meetings between victim and perpetrator bring relief to both parties….
Restorative justice gives victims that chance to reframe the story and heal in the process
I get it, if you are shouting at me about someone whos taken it too far, they have become a pest, stalker or worst. It so much easier to just block them and forget them. But I say that ease comes at a high cost over all. I imagine long term use of block could lead to changes in the blocker or growing resentment from those blocked (wish there was research on this)
I tried to use the example of last years Black Mirror White Christmas to start to illustrate the problem with blocking.
I got blocked once, by @Lord_Sugar as it happens. I’m not sure why, maybe he saw me as a threat, in business. It wasn’t actually too upsetting, but then I wasn’t in a relationship with him – hardly knew him at all, to be honest. And he only blocked me on Twitter, not in real life, as people can do here sometime in the future, in Charlie Brooker’s Black Mirror: White Christmas (Channel 4). So they can’t see you or hear you, nor you them: you’re both just muffled silhouettes, digital ghosts. That’s what happens to poor Joe (Rafe Spall).
Unfortunately the person I was talking to at the party had not seen it before. But this really hits the point I think I’m circling.
Brooker’s drama urges caution here and elsewhere in White Christmas. ‘Block’ someone social media-style in real life and you end the conversation. Any potential for redemption or growth ends with it. These are real people we’re dealing with, they’re not disposable.
there is not due process for blocking, i'm sorry, i have no records, i did not read you your rights because there aren't any
— Casey Johnston (@caseyjohnston) December 29, 2015
Human feelings and relationships are messy and using a binary system of block, feels like hitting a nail with a sledgehammer way to initially end a relationship. (I say initially, because if they are not reasonable or abusive, I totally get the block.)
I guess I’m calling for more of a human approach to the way we think and end relationships. Without that, we could end up in the middle of a black mirror episode for real.
White Christmas’ nightmarish tales of isolation might be dark, but they show sage concern about the kind of world we’re building for ourselves. They ask us to consider the humanity of how we treat people online and in the real world. An extreme reflection it might be, but underneath it all, Black Mirror may well have the most charitable heart of any of this year’s seasonal specials.
https://twitter.com/Sagittarius_ht/status/683407475794509824
Charlie Brooker had this to say when asked about White Christmas’ blocking plot point and would he block someone…
I think people do that, don’t they, when they’re commuting? If I sit on the tube I put headphones in and I stare at a book or anywhere but another human being. I think when you’re commuting you just do it psychologically to get through the day in a city.
In everyday life I think it would be really destructive, that’s kind of what happens. We can’t say too much about the story but [to Rafe] you’re involved in a blocking incident. I think there’s no way back. If you were to block someone, the conversation has ended, it’s not like you can build bridges. I don’t know that I would block anyone particularly in person. I’m on Twitter, but I don’t tend to block people unless they’re just unrelentingly unpleasant.
This ties in the alone together, ambient intimacy and human contact posts.. Hopefully this makes people think before they block and delete?
I’m with Mr30NotSoFlirty... I’m down with confessions number 1 and 2 (except the man crush, I think the female wait staff is pretty lovely).
Confession no.1 – I do love a blind date
Confession no. 2 – over the last few years I’ve become addicted to First Dates on Channel 4 and I have a man crush on Maitre d’ Fred
Confession no.3 – I recently took the addiction a step further by being a background dater at the First Dates restaurant…. if you love reality TV, what could be better than stepping into the show you love
I’m not done step 3 but after reading the blog about Mr30NotSoFlirty’s experience. I registered my interest and signed up pretty much straight away on my phone in a Glastonbury cafe today.
Just applied to go on @Channel4 #firstdates following my new years resolutions & reading @Mr30NotSoFlirty's posthttps://t.co/XTO6vlmv2F
— Ian Forrester (@cubicgarden) December 29, 2015
This fits with my 2016 new years resolution… Make some bold moves with my love life.
@cubicgarden You'd be brilliant! Looking forward to seeing Fred welcome you to the @FirstDates restaurant…
— Mr30NotSoFlirty (@Mr30NotSoFlirty) December 29, 2015
Bold or silly?
Who knows? But I look forward to seeing Fred and that lovely waitress.
Swipe left or swipe right… why not?
More and more the answers are getting more simplistic. There was something Douglas Ruskoff said recently in a chat while talking about present shock.
Its also something I’ve been thinking about, especially since installing Bumble and Plenty of Fish daring apps. Every dating app now includes the hot or not/swipe left or right mechanism; this for me is a bad thing…. I’m not the only one of course.
In the September issue of Vanity Fair, Nancy Jo Sales wrote an in -depth piece called, Tinder and the Dawn of “Dating Apocalypse.” It’s an eye-opener and validation of a woman’s worst fear. The guys are swiping right to hook up and it’s all just a game.
In the story, it’s reported that 100 million people are using mobile apps, with about 50 million on Tinder. The Tinder blog reports 25 million matches a day. The numbers are mind-boggling and enormous.
The VF story is really about sex and hookups. Mobile apps just happen to ramp up the numbers in a digital second, and singles in their 20s are buying into the hooking up program, I believe which ruins their chance at romance.
I of course wrote about the tinder breakdown here. But I find the pattern/ui decision/culture a little disturbing. I did look under dark patterns to see if it was included but couldn’t find it. Maybe I should submit it?
Whats wrong with the swipe? Don’t be a hater… I hear you say…
I boil it down to simplification of questions to a binary output/decision. Thinking like a computer...
Conrad Wolfram delivered a good talk at Thinking Digital around the exact same thing. I’ve said it a many times before but I’ll say it again, I do wonder/worry that the digital revolution seems to be driven by one group of people who may think alike and seem more comfortable with binary decisions that the fuzziness of reality.
In today’s touchscreen world, a “swipe right” is a quick, positive way to communicate interest. Alternately, a “swipe left” is the swiftest way reject something or someone. Whether it’s picking a date on Tinder or choosing a dress on Pinterest, technology brings immediate gratification to so many aspects of our lives.
This blog by nehrlich caught my eye which is somewhat related. The world is fuzzy and building up systems to block out the fuzz is in my opinion not great. We need to embrace the fuzz along side the binary.
I’ll say it again… diversity of people and thought just like nature.
Reducing a decision about something as fuzzy as a potential partner does irk me. Do I like the person in front of me or not?
Yes or No. In or Out, One or Zero.
No sense of maybe… Make a decision now….!
Plus you can’t move forward or go back. Its some seriously dark user interface voodoo. It seems so playful and fun but under the gamification there is something dark happening…. and its spreading like wildfire! This is certainly something which chimes against my new years resolution around thinking humanity…
Which leads headlong into the “I want it now, instant gratification, etc culture…” but I’m feeling too happy for that right now.
Angie reminded me of something I forgot to wrote about many months ago. She pointed at BBC’s you and yours programme.
People who use dating apps to meet potential new partners have told You & Yours that they’re concerned about their privacy, after finding that Facebook has gained access to the details of people they’ve been speaking to. The names of people they’ve been matched with on the dating apps are appearing in their “suggested friends” on Facebook. We investigate how social media sites access our personal information and how users give their permission.
Yes, this isn’t new…! Dating apps like Hinge and Tinder use you as a matchmaker without your permission.
If you’ve got a robust Facebook friend list filled with single people who use dating apps like Hinge or Tinder, chances are you’ve appeared as a mutual friend between two different matches.
When your face appears as a link between people, you legitimize their connection. You become a topic of conversation, an “in” to launch a potential relationship.
Even if you don’t use these dating apps yourself, your personal information can still appear, because when your friends started using the apps, they gave the services permission to access their friend lists to display in-network matches.
There’s no way to avoid appearing as a mutual friend unless you unfriend everyone using these dating apps or delete your Facebook account. Even if your friend list is private, you’re still visible to these apps as a friend of a user who opted into sharing that information.
The potential consequences could be discomforting. Let’s say there’s a person on your friend list whom you added years ago and about whom you no longer know anything. If he matches with one of your good friends, she might decide to go on a date with him in part because of your online friendship, which can be misconstrued as approval from her social group.
The fact is Facebook has access to that data and when we install these apps, we are givng permission to them to do what they like with that data. Permissions is something which can add a bandaid to things but its not a permanent solution. I must find the bit in the FB EULA which says it basically snoop on and use the data requested from a 3rd party app. You didn’t think FB was doing it out of the kindness of their cold heart did you? Wake up and smell smoke. Its a harsh reality which I think people are still only just waking up to…. Linked data is still a concept which has really been picked up.
