Tag: socialobject

Familiar stranger and wellness

milgram familiar stranger

Theres been so many times in the past when I blogged about the breakdown of social bonds between strangers. One of my favourite books is Sherry Turkle’s Alone Together, I still need to read reclaiming conversations. The smartphone is a easy target to point at when thinking about this all.

The thing I hadn’t really considered is the effect of the mental ill/wellness epidemic maybe slightly caused by loneliness.

This is why I find things like Uber quiet ride pretty scary when you take the long view. Which of course Uber isn’t, as they try and make public transport redundant as its not convenient enough for our lives.

You can outsource pretty much every aspect of irritation in your lives. But you can’t outsource loneliness, or pain. Like a dystopian sci-fi plotline, we are allowing Silicon Valley to make our lives as convenient and seamless as possible.

But there’s an app for everything now, which means no more phone calls to the pizza shop, no chit-chat while waiting for the bus. The little white earbuds, and their more aggressive, noise-cancelling cousins, are shielding us from this terrible outside world.

And we are lonelier than ever. Our communities are disintegrating, whether it’s the corner store bought by a billionaire developer or churches being replaced by Instagram or the fact that I have never met or even seen my nextdoor neighbour. We are at a crisis point.

You could easily point the finger at Airbnb too, something which was about people sharing homes with strangers; now is about hotel like experiences. Airbnb haven’t helped things wither with their plus listings. Don’t get me wrong I understand, but airbnb originally was different.

I keep saying it but noticed I don’t think I have ever wrote about it so directly.

Public transport along with lots public services could be the decider between a epidemic of loneliness. I mean where else are you going to experience familiar stranger and that essential head nod. Rubbing shoulders with strangers clearly is good thing in the long run, you wonder why more people are flocking to our over crowded cities? I think there is something in the social object theory and I’m not the only one. Bonding with strangers builds friendships, builds neighbourhoods, building communities, which builds societies?

The data is still not 100% but I think this is essential research material.

Sell the sizzle not the steak

I attended a networking workshop at the BBC the other day. I was wondering how it was going to go, because sometimes the workshops at work can be hit and miss. The trainer for the workshop was down to earth Darren Jenkins from digienable. Darren was good and his advice was welcomed.

Now I know most of you are saying why the heck are you (mr social butterfly and social geek event organiser) doing at a networking workshop? Well most of the things I do are picked up after working it out for myself rather than learned. When I signed up I wanted to understand what other people were told because I’ve seen some weird stuff.

Anyway during the workshop, I listen and chipped in now & then. But what got me thinking in the middle of the workshop is the similarity to dating. I hadn’t really thought about it in this way before, but the more Darren talked and I thought about it. The closer to dating it sounded.

Most of you will be thinking “Duhhhh yes of course, relationships are relationships be them business or a love interest” Laid out on paper it makes sense, but I’ve never really put it on paper like that.

Some key points, which really hit home…

First date, first contact
The politics of who pays extends deeply into networking. Darren talked about trying to buy the first coffee or paying for everything to make a good impression. Of course I disapproved. But at least he told it as it was… “Its a power play…”

Selling the Sizzle
You got a short time (1min) to tell the other person about yourself, what you do and your general thoughts about things. Sounds like Speed dating, but no were actually talking about networking.

One thing which I’ve not been doing recently is selling the sizzle. When speed dating recently I’ve been under-selling how great things are for myself by describing what I actually do rather than the effect. Not sure why I’ve been doing this but it certainly applies for dating as well as networking…

Social object theory
Of course no workshop would be complete without a bit of give and take. Darren was good enough to remind me to sell the sizzle, so I thought I’d talk about social object theory. He never heard of it but had been using it, regardless.

It was a good workshop and funny to hear Darren is partner to Liz Hardwick from Manchester Girl Geeks.

That instant spark of chemisty, lets hack it?

Lets be honest for a moment. There are certain things which humans like and don’t like, react to and don’t react to. Understanding these lifehacks, mindhacks, theories  or even techniques can help greatly. It all depends on how you apply it… Understanding not ignorance is my new justification for this type of stuff.

Single black male have recently posted a number of intriguing posts including How A Man Can Avoid The Friend-Zone, and Don’t be Thirsty, be Hard to Impress.

They center around that feeling when you see someone for the very first time. So called the spark of attraction or as I prefer the spark of chemistry.

In technical terms, this spark is simply a spike in adrenaline that most people get when they connect eyes with someone that they’re physically attracted to. In our initial interactions with a new potential love interest, some women attempt to control that spark by being flirtatiously elusive and playing hard to get. Men can perform an equally effective technique: playing hard to impress.

This can come across as being a bit of a bastard, and theres many posts suggesting most women subconsciously prefer this.

The secret behind the “hard to impress” approach is that after getting that initial, reflexive adrenaline spike out of her, you find a way to keep the intensity and duration of that spike heightened. By doing this, you’re pretty much guaranteeing yourself a spot far away from the friend zone.

I imagine this is where the keep them keen comes from. Stretching out this period of attraction can greatly improve your chances of the other person being interested. Or in this case, keep you out of the friend zone.

This isn’t anything mind blowing, people have been doing it naturally for millenniums but its interesting to understand the science behind it. Those butterflies in your stomach are addictive like going over the top of a rollercoaster hill (in my case) who wouldn’t want more of that?

We’re all junkies to the buzz… and combining this with the Social objects idea, who knows what you can achieve? Maybe one day I’ll combine all these things together and actually do something meaningful with them.

Question is, what are you going to do to get more of what you love/need/want? I’m hoping it doesn’t involve being a total cock like the guys from the previous post…

How about we?

How about we

My last date told me about the site http://www.howaboutwe.com yesterday…

Very interesting site, its like OKCupid’s Locale (which is still in beta) but instead of the sudo hook up thing, its done much better and clearer about getting people connected around an event/date. The shared experience is the main point of the site. As it says its self,

“Put the date back in dating”

In actual fact, I found a previous date/friend who wants to go out for cocktails, so of course I registered my interest… 🙂

The weird part is where and how they make money?

It seems its free to ask for a date or to get people together but if you message one person it costs money.

Nope actually its more traditional than I first thought. You still have to pay to even reply to requests to be involved in a date/event. That sucks because now I got about 4 woman who would like to go somewhere and I can’t reply… Shame real shame.

So it really pays to play within their system and not try and talk directly with people. This also means its not exclusively for dating in the traditional sense… For example I could throw out the idea of meeting up to play werewolf in Manchester if I wanted to…

Intriguing business model indeed… and of course they have a iphone app (boring)