culture-and-politics – Page 51

What is a Catfish?

A few people recently have asked me,

What is a Catfish?

A catfish is someone who pretends to be someone they’re not using Facebook or other social media to create false identities, particularly to pursue deceptive online romances. For example…

Did you hear how Dave got totally catfished last month?! The fox he thought he was talking to turned out to be a pervy guy from San Diego!

I was really falling for that gorgeous gal on Facebook, but she turned out to be a catfish

So catfishing is…

The phenomenon of internet predators that fabricate online identities and entire social circles to trick people into emotional/romantic relationships (over a long period of time).

Possible motivations: revenge, loneliness, curiosity, boredom

The term catfishing was inspired by the 2010 documentary “Catfish.”

Gwen was worried that her online boyfriend was a phoney after she saw a TV program about Catfishing.

Its a newish phenomena but has a history in the way some rather disturbed humans deal with new communication technology.

Lets look at the Catfishing of our twitter/dating acquittance Claire Travis Smith and many other woman, as a example… in the hoaxer who breaks womens hearts.

The name of Amy Palmer has been changed, too. She may not deserve a covering identity, another one; even so, after discussion with psychologists and with editors at the Observer it was agreed that this extensive, energetic fraud could only have been conducted by a profoundly disturbed person. When I presented the evidence gathered to an investigative psychologist, Dr Keith Ashcroft, he suggested “the temporary relief of boredom” as one of the hoaxer’s motivations. He also introduced me to the psychologists’ term “duping delight”. Dr Ashcroft explained: “Essentially a thrill derived from having victims being intensely controlled and manipulated by carefully formulated deceptions. This is often the modus operandi of a psychopath.”

Catfish = Psychopath, maybe? I usually think of them as people with problems who’s self confidence might be quite low.

Its important to note, most Catfishers do not do it for money. So there quite different from spammers or scammers, although the process of convincing the mark/victim can be very similar to start. Anyone can fall for it, not just women but men too…Its worth mentioning on top of all this, MTV have a series using the same guys behind the 2010 documentary.

The show is your typical MTV stuff but when your watching you think “nahhh not me“, well let me tell you its easily done and once they got you, they got you good.

I have been lucky to avoid them to date but its worth following rule number 7 in dawn porters guide to dating.

7. Get real – and get real early. Don’t fall for the spell of email and text – feeling close online says nothing about whether you’re compatible in real life. So talk on the phone and meet up as soon as you possibly can.

As someone once said, if it seems to good to be true, it probably is… Now I’m waiting for the 419 eater for catfishers. Maybe it should be called Dogfishing or something like that?

Umairh says… Its not Sci-Fi

After yesterday’s lists from Umair Haque, who I had the pleasure of meeting once a long while ago. I thought I’d share a couple more of his lists of Twitter knowledge. Here a couple which caught my eye and had me retweeting earlier in the week.

I’m going to do five quick points on stuff many Americans think is science fiction, but isn’t 🙂 17:13:23

In London, I can walk down the street, visit the doctor, and get healthcare. Free!! It’s not science fiction 🙂
In Europe, I can take trains across the continent, that are effectively faster than taking planes. Cheap!! It’s not science fiction.
In Australia, I can go take a walk and see happy people. Smiling!! Having fun!! Because they have nice lives. It’s not sci-fi 🙂
In Paris, I can hit the bistro on nearly any corner, get a nice meal, and a bottle of wine. That won’t kill me! It’s not sci-fi.
In Scandinavia, if I’m homeless, I probably won’t die. I’ll get a place to live and an income. It’s not science fiction.
In London, in the summer, people leave the office at 5. And sit outside and have beer until the sun goes down. It’s not sci-fi.
There’s more to life than work. If you’re spending yours on the bullshit of bosses, meetings, and powerpoints, you’re wasting it.

From a few of the questions I use to get when in the states, I can imagine these questions and thoughts will be like sci-fi to some parts of america. Specially like the health care one and of course the beer after work. Very much part of the UK culture which takes some time to adjust and understand. Of course number 7 is great and reminds me of this next list.

I’m going to do five quick bits of life advice. Enjoy 😉 08-23-2013 17:14:52

The point of life is love.
You can spend much of your life running away from the fact that the point of life is love. Many people do 🙂
It takes courage, determination, and a lot of reflection to live the life you want.
Don’t accept mediocrity. Be awesome.
Everybody needs to change the world a little bit. Why do you think Bill Gates isn’t golfing all day?
You can do it. But you have to start 😉

Reflection is something I’ve already starting doing and Adrian did suggest updating my grassroots innovation blog one day soon.

The most famous speech in human history: Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream”

Martin Luther King Jr. - I Have A Dream Speech

Its been 50 years since Martin Luther King’s massively inspirational and moving speech. I was watching some of the programmes from the BBC about the speech and Martin Luther King himself. I didn’t really get a chance to blog about it but here’s some great stuff Umair Haque wrote on twitter and fb.

On the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech, here are 10 points on his legacy and what it still means to us today:

If MLK was alive today, wonks would tell him a revolution of love was impossible, politicians would ignore him, and pundits would mock him.
MLK was a great leader. He wasn’t a wannabe. He wasn’t a cowering flunky. He didn’t sell his dream out. He was the real thing.
So I can’t tell whether its funny or sad to hear glowing praise for MLK from people who surely would have hated him were he alive today.
It’s amazing to me how America misremembers MLK. As a policy “activist”. Wrong. He wanted a revolution of love.
MLK didn’t want slightly higher taxes, or one new law. He wanted something bigger: revolution in people’s hearts. A revolution of love.
So to remember MLK as some kind of policy wonk or activist or lobbyist is laughable. He was more than that. He was a real leader.
MLK was the kind of leader whose memory tells us: we don’t have much real leadership left today. Just wimps selling out.
MLK is probably one of the last people in America who called for real institutional change. For that, he was spied on, jailed, and killed.
MLK didn’t just want an end to segregation. He wanted an end to poverty, war, anger, and greed.
What MLK’s memory should remind us of is: once we had revolutionaries. Now we have analysts. Because we killed our revolutionaries.

In honor of MLK, I’m going do 7 points on dreams. Enjoy!

Each and every one must have a dream. That marry who we are with what we want the world to become.
Your dream is your destination. Without one, you’ll always feel lost.
There are better dreams, and worse dreams. Better dreams are bigger than just you, and your aspiration.
Heartbreak doesn’t happen when your dreams don’t come true. It happens when they do.
Don’t cripple your dreams. With evidence or logic or doubt. Dreams are a kind of magic.
Dreams are always impossible. And so we must use a force stronger than our minds to ignite them. We must have faith in them.
Never step on people’s dreams. They’ll rarely forgive you. Always lift people towards their dreams. They’ll love you for it.

Barbra Streisand moves to Islington wharf?

Ok the title is misleading, Barbra Streisand is not moving to Islington Wharf. But I bet if you lived here, you might not be so surprised, heck the chances are you might be excited! Maybe if I changed to another gay icon like Nick Frost, I might have you convinced?

Its Manchester Pride this bank holiday and its amazing to see how large a venture its turned into. I was seeing reports on Twitter that one of the events was warehouse project styled. For those outside of Manchester, the warehouse project is…

The Warehouse Project is a series of club nights organised in Greater Manchester, England, since 2006. It runs from September through to New Years Day each year plus occasional one off dates such as Bank Holiday weekends. It began operations in the disused Boddingtons Brewery in Strangeways, and then moved into a space under Manchester Piccadilly railway station, which previously served as an air raid shelter

The key point is Pride is massive and I was talking to Jane yesterday. I estimated 40% of islington Wharf might be gay… However Vivid Lounge’s Sam, suggested to me that I might be in the minority. In other words there may be a lot less straight people that I think living at Islington Wharf.

So what is it about islington wharf/new islington/northern quarter which seems to attract gay men and women? Me and Jane were talking about this yesterday too. Could it be one of these?

Is it the proximity to Canal Street (Manchester’s famous gay village)?
Is it being close to Piccadilly train station?
Is it the flat prices?
Is it the 5% deposit scheme?
Is it that islington wharf is gay friendly generally?

Sam thinks its a chicken and egg problem, but the proximity to the village (canal street) is great for gay people. I don’t personally think its that close but considering other areas, like castlefield, green quarter, spinning fields, etc he might have a valid point. The proximity to Piccadilly station is attractive for everyone including myself. I can go from door to train in less than 15mins walking.

Sam suggests maybe lots of gay people working away from Manchester and this would be high on the list maybe? I do know a few people who work in London 3 days a week and yes they are gay.

The price of the flats and the deposit scheme might work hand in hand. Saving up 5% deposit for a flat is great news and to be fair if your buying it alone this can be done. Usually saving a deposit of 10% is a struggle and only a couple can do it maybe? (before you scream at me in the comments yes I know lots of gay couples but generally I would say most gay people in Islington Wharf are single, judging by the shocking amount of men on Grindr – that I’ve been shown!)

The chicken and egg problem Sam suggested might come into play with the last one. How do you make it gay friendly? I would suggest Islington wharf is full of modern thinking/liberal people who don’t have a problem with gay people in society. I remember one guy who was gay himself, who seemed a little shocked that I was so accepting of gay culture (he assumed I might have a slight problem). I think he expected me to be upset about it or something?

If anyone works out the answer to the question, they will be very wealthy (and of course rich which would be a shame)

What ever the reason, there are some interesting studies about the difference a Gay community can do. I’m just happy to be living in a place full of interesting liberal minded people… Starbucks and Pizza Express (meant to be the sign of a up and coming area right?) do not have a patch on the rainbow flags and consistent looking at mobiles screens of the gay community. Funny enough, Umair Haque said something which is very fitting…

Never bet against love. It’s the only force that has ever truly changed the world…

Truth is coming and cannot be stopped – Edward Snowdon

Seen on Tib Street in the Northern Quarter of Manchester… Another reason to love the Northern Quarter.

It couldn’t get any more epic unless on the other side it said “ALL YOUR BASES BELONG TO US… signed NSA” Unfortunately although great in one scope, but not so epic is Heisenberg from Breaking Bad instead.

There is so much I want to say about whats going on with our data ending up in the hands of the NSA and ultimately the US government but to be honest the Open Rights Group have got this much better covered. If your not already a member, for goodness sake be one! The war for a open and free internet has stepped up a gear.

Will it be fluff or be actually interesting? Dating on BBC Radio

The BBC hasn’t got the best track record of covering issues like dating… Who could forget (I certainly won’t) the terrible year of making love? But to be fair they did good job covering the problems with online dating in Panaroma recently. However compare it to Channel4’s recent mating/dating. 2 run away hits… Dates and First Dates plus all the other back up programmes put Channel4’s mating coverage well above the BBC’s to date.

However, BBC’s radio coverage is getting better. I’ve heard recently Miss London’s 28 dates later which had me in stitches…

In her first Radio 4 series, London Hughes aka Miss London writes and stars in a sitcom about the tricky world of romance and dating in the capital – does it ever live up to the romantic dreams pedalled by Rom Coms? Shona, played by London works in a cinema with best friend Kristen and is desperately searching for someone to make her life complete but still doesn’t get the compromises needed to make love work.

Of course follow my brief time on BBC Merseyside, it will be interesting to hear what happens when BBC Radio 4’s Womens hour and Men’s hour get together to discuss online dating (thanks Tony for the tweet).

If this list is anything to go by, I’m already worried…

Cough up: the bill is a gender politics minefield. To grab the bill and offer to pay looks like retro male-dominant chauvinism – to sit back and leave the bill in no-man’s land looks a bit cheap and not manly enough. So, politely ask if you can pay the bill. However, if she has shown a total disinterest in you during the date – and not asked any questions about you – then suggest you split the bill. That’ll teach her (nothing) but make you feel you’ve escaped with some dignity (miniscule)

Don’t get me started! *smile*

Come on BBC, I know your better than this… lets hear something worth while, new and actually interesting. Please no stereotypes… Online dating is interesting and has changed/warpped culture. Theres plenty to explore… otherwise expect another round of relationships 2.0!

If I was to list these things, what would I be talking about?

Really interesting the link between self confidence, your career and your dating life.

For example if I was to say here’s some tips, would you know what I was talking about?

Come prepared
Eliminate pressure
Don’t expect too much
Get comfortable
Remember: desperation isn’t cool
Focus on developing a relationship
Respect their time
Keep in touch

Now knowing me and what I talk about most of the time, you would be forgiven for thinking this is good tips for speed dating or your first date. But actually your wrong! Nope this is taken from 8 Tips For A Successful Networking Coffee Date. But to be fair most of the advice is transferable between your career, self confidence and dating.

Even more to the point is, The Dating Game: The Similarities Between Recruiting and Online Dating.

Recruiting these days seems a lot like online dating. After all, recruiting is performed mainly through online resources like LinkedIn. You check out a profile, maybe a person’s picture, and assess or judge how the candidate writes about him or herself. Does it make sense? Are there spelling errors? Could they be a good match? How would they fit in? I wonder what theyâ€™re like in-person? Are they the same as they portray themselves?

Hmmm, this sounds awfully familiar to me. Ever heard of Match.com, okcupid (personal fave), or eHarmony? Online dating is becoming increasingly popular, and so is sourcing and hiring candidates online from Linkedin.

Absolutely… I rest my case for now.

Tipping, who gets it right?

My second post for the Single Black Males just went up and its one of those subjects some tell you can cause all out flame wars.

I wrote…

A Cornell professor has written a lot of papers about tipping, with some interesting results for the urban male.

Now I know living in the United Kingdom we don’t tip, anywhere as much as Americans. Not only that, the percentage we tip is far below the scale of the U.S. But I’ve spent a lot of time in the states and understand how much waiters, waitresses, attendants, etc get paid and how they really rely on tips.

However, it’s worth remembering the definition of tipping… Paying a optional gratuity for services rendered

What is interesting from the papers and many surveys is that two things stick out for SBM readers…

Black customers tend to payless when tipping especially to a black server.

White servers on average are more likely to get a decent tip than a black server.

Tipping is optional in the UK but most people find it customary to pay roughly 10% as a tip unless you really enjoy or hate the service. You also generally only tip at restaurants and bars. Most would be offended if you handed over extra money for a tip when holding a door or doing there job.

I then later in the post talk about my experience working in Equinox Discotheque with women from all over Europe, fighting for tips to stay alive, well I would have been if it was America.

I worked in a discotheque in Leicester Square (equivalent to Times square in New York) between jobs while studying at university. It was hard going and work ran from 8pm – 4am on the weekend. I was the only male and also the only black in a all European line up. We worked on the bar serving drinks till 3am.

Because of its location, we use to get a lot of Americans through the door and they would tip well. On an average night, the woman around me would get £140 ($210) in tips and I once witnessed a woman get £170 ($270) in a night. I, on the other hand, was over the moon one night when I made £20 ($30). As you can imagine, I said screw it by the 3rd week. It simply wasn’t worth it and got a nice cinema job where I didn’t have to work for tips.

Luckily the minimum payment rules meant I didn’t go home with the equivalent of £2.50 per hour. I went home with £3.70 per hour and a extra £20 for my hard work. I didn’t want to launch into an attack about the minimum payment system in the states, because I could imagine the burning comments and forever flames. But you have to wonder…

Digging through the data (there is a lot of it too) I really started to wonder if it wasn’t just because I was the only male? Could it be my race too? Could it be a double wammy? Am I doomed as a bar tender forever more? *smile* The data doesn’t lie, and although I like to think it might be wrong, there’s simply too much to just ignore it. Well I’m glad I decided to drop my bar job and join the Odeon!

Is Tipping Discriminatory? (original title of the post by the way…) and I’m not the only one asking questions, as I recently found out… but although these guys take it to the next level, you got to agree with some of the arguments against tipping.

Gratuities, by definition, are voluntary, and can not, and should not, ever be automatically included into a bill for any reason. Period. Patrons should reserve the right to report such venues to authorities and they should be fined appropriately. And most of all, be educated on your rights as a consumer. One should never be socially pressured to leave a tip!

Social introverts

Been wondering if I’m a social introvert?

Don’t get me wrong I love socialising and social settings but I also like to decompress alone in my own space. Melinda aka Miss Geeky gave a great presentation at Hacked.io. Some of the things she mentions I can identify with

I realized that most people don’t have a good understanding of what introversion and extraversion is. Typically they think that being an introvert means you’re quiet and shy, while being an extrovert is seen as being social and outgoing. And that’s not exactly right.

For me, introversion and extraversion is all about energy: what recharges you and what drains you? Extroverts find energy in interaction: they recharge by being around people, by interacting with what’s outside themselves. Introverts, on the other hand, will get their energy from reflection: they recharge by looking inwards, by being alone. So this does mean that extroverts will be much more likely to be social and outgoing, and that introverts will be much more likely to be quiet and shy. But that’s not always the case. You can have extroverts that are shy. And you can have introverts that are social and outgoing.

My term for this group of social introverts: social caterpillars.

I can get on board with this… Although most people think I’m a extrovert (ok I slightly do too), most of the things I do tend to match what introverts do in certain situations. Over time I’ve gotten better at being extroverted (without getting loud and annoying) but its not all me. Maybe this is why I can understand the view points of introverts?

Anyway its a good presentation and something I’d like to follow up on, in the future.

Some dream shouldn’t be followed

Banksy - Follow Your Dreams // Cancelled

I only recently discovered Mark Manson. I’m sure theres quite a few of you guys who will be thinking geez I’ve been reading his stuff for ages. But I can’t even remember how I came across him. One of a whole load of posts he wrote is the controversial “Why Some Dreams Should Not Be Pursued.”

Mark breaks it down with decent examples and some deep thoughts behind it and the self help industry.

We are all beaten over the head that we should always pursue our dreams, always follow our passions, always turn reality into what we believe will make us happy. Most marketing and advertising is based on this. The majority of the self help industry pushes this. And with the rise of Tim Ferriss and “lifestyle design” obsession of this generation, it has become a borderline religion…

I know what he means, the lifestyle business has grown and grown.

There is this conflict I have in my mind. Its a conflict between community (doing what people think you should do) and individualism (doing what your dreams says). I don’t buy all this self help crap but I do want to be happy (heck who doesn’t want to be happy?). When I say happy I don’t mean this crazy Hollywood style happiness you see on TV or they shovel down your throat any chance they can. Be Happy / Buy are shit… Roll the Fight club ikea montage.

Back to Mark…

But it’s not just materialism, the “follow you dreams” mentality dominates our relationships as well. It’s only in the last couple centuries that romantic love has been championed as the sole prerequisite for a happy relationship.

Lonely? Just fall in love and then live happily ever after! Duh.

It’s reached the point where practically all of our pop culture is based upon the idea that romantic love is a justification for just about any neurotic behaviour.

Another conflict… (damm Mark is right on the buzzer) My dating… I enjoy it but I do want to find someone special. When I say special I don’t mean perfection, I mean someone I would spend the rest of my known life with. Its important to me (yeah how selfish of me) but having gone through a divorce, I’m not a believer in there’s one person for everyone (something which the media seems to push down our throats). So on an individual level someone who connects with myself. Don’t get me wrong I do sometimes think about what it would be like to have someone very different (don’t ask, i’m not telling)

Some friends say why go out dating, if you just leave it it will happen. I say balls, and I actually kinda of enjoy it. As a friend who turns out reads my blog said, Its part of you… When she said this, I was kinda of thinking maybe shes got a point. I like meeting new people and enjoy dating, so it works. From an individual level again, its all good times. From a community point of view its a little different.

Maybe this is another reason why I’m writing this book, the life & opinions of a modern geeky gentleman… Putting the dream aspect on paper rather than in reality.

Mark’s example of the young woman from New York City who had the recurring sexual fantasy was certainly the icing on the argument. Some of our dreams should never happen and its really important to remember this (this story has to be read as its not very safe for work).

Losing control in reality is dangerous. Despite how arousing it may be, one could get hurt or killed. It’s only possible to lose control and stay safe within the confines of one’s own mind.

The reason not every fantasy should be pursued is because fantasies never have negative repercussions. Reality does. You’re able to feel fear and terror without ever actually being in danger. You can feel excitement and adrenaline without ever actually risking anything. You can experience the joy and pride of a great success without actually suffering through the hard work.

Absolutely! I wanted to be big name DJ many decades ago. Traveling the world playing the music I love and being paid for it. I guess its like the rockstar thing Mark talks about. But it was about 16 when I realised the reality of the pursuing such a dream. The daily drudgery, playing in crap venues, playing crowd pleasing tunes just to make it up the DJ ladder. Screw that…! As Mark says I might have been in love with the result not the process. Seriously settling down and getting into the internet was one of the best moves I’ve done.

I don’t like to climb. I just want to imagine the top

The process and the details is whats missing from our dreams. In actual fact thats the fun part… In my great BBC job, the details all matter and the result isn’t the be all and end all… But maybe somewhere in this messy post, I can mentally link my dating with the process and details.

Next time someone says just fall in love, maybe I should say… “don’t you see I’m in the process of doing so and loving it” *smile*

Maybe I’ve fallen in love with the process of falling in love, not the result and actually this is perfectly natural? (Don’t all scream at me at once…)