Tag: serialdater

Am I losing the ability to be in love? Nope

Love...

Tony sent me a link to 10 Reasons Why This Generation Is Losing The Ability To Be In Love. I quoted a few bits from it in my thoughts about narcissism and selfies. But theres much more to be quoted…

My greatest worry is our generation will be looked at as the generation that gave up on love. We date for the sake of dating. The generation that forgot how to love — which is ridiculous. Most people have never had a good understanding of love, just a poor interpretation of it.

I’m not sure why Tony sent this to me but I have thoughts why… you see why as I go through some of the points I think are levelled at me?

We sleep around — a lot.

Although I have dated quite a bit, I don’t sleep around a lot. This is a common misconception when I talk about dating. If I mention serial dater, the first thing which comes to mind is sex.  I won’t even go there about what is sex…

We’re becoming even more egocentric.

Not so…  Although I agree culture is leaning that way, sadly. But its nothing to shrug about, the future is not written.

We date for the sake of dating.

Many people have asked me over and over again, if I date for the sake of dating? Everytime I say something about enjoying dating, mainly because I might be sapiosexual (more about this in the future as I do agree its a little silly but this a bit strong, thanks Tom).

But I do also say, I date because I would like to meet somebody special. Heck in the context of this post, I would like to fall in love again. Feels weird saying that but its true but I’m not scared of doing so. I will look forward to it.

We aren’t fans of making compromises.

I do agree, I don’t like to compromise much but I do understand I do need to compromise. For the person who sweeps me off my seat, I’ll compromise and some.

We believe in fairytale endings.

Nope, I don’t buy it at all. I would say I have come to the realisation that love take a very different path for everybody. This includes non-monogamy too. Wheres the fairytale endings for that? Exactly, don’t believe the hype… silly rabbit!

We’ve been fooled into believing perfection is attainable.

Rubbish, perfection is an illusion. Just like the fairytale endings, being open to more creditable influences and meeting more people, its clear as day whats actually attainable and what is sustainable.

We’re goal driven, but often forget to include our partners in the mix.

I don’t know about this one, I feel this generation is much more collaborative than previous ones. The slow but sure balancing of the sexes also insures both or more partners goals and aspirations are more important than ever before.

Most of us are really bad at loving.

As Haddaway said, What is love?  Although I joke, its a serious question. Love is different for everybody. We have evolved and so has the sense of what love is…  I don’t disagree that the paradox of choice and other factors have made finding love much more complex but millions fall in love everyday. Be it physically or virtually. With one person or multiple people.

On top of that, there are so many different ways to tell our loved one(s) that we love them. From a text message with emoji at the right moment to turning on a light in the connected objects domain.

I think the writer is unfair in the statement that we are really bad at loving.

For me, its not a resistance to fall in love but to get it somewhat right. I listen to my gut reaction a lot more than I use to. Does this mean I don’t have the ability to fall in love? No, it means I will only fall in love when the conditions are right and not for some artificially manufactured reason.

Another reason to go dutch… always!

Restaurant Tips From a Serial Dater Teaser from James Wotherspoon on Vimeo.

No I have never bumped into or dated Erin Wotherspoon but I had heard of her through the grapevine. Yes shes certainly a piece of work but to be honest shes not much worst that the likes of many wannabe tucker max’s and some of the likes of the redpill crew.

A little reminder of that passage in the new york times ages ago…

a modern girl will end the evening with the Offering, an insincere bid to help pay the check. “They make like they are heading into their bag after a meal, but it is a dodge,

At least Erin’s up front (well somewhat) about the fact shes never going to pay… and that she is a golddigger.

…sometimes women don’t have the best intentions. Toronto men of Reddit, hold on to your neck beards. This girl is looking for love in her lobster roll, not your academic achievements. … Reality check? Toronto gold diggers exist. Be afraid, be very afraid.

Cheers elvum for reminding me to blog about her.

 

Is she a player or serial dater?

Phil and Tamsin‘s date on Channel4’s First dates got me going recently, specially following my blog post and discussion with Chris and others…

In Phil’s own words….

“She’s a lovely girl, she ticks a lot of boxes. But I think there’s a little bit of a player side”

Of course I have clipped the part for your own viewing pleasure… Watch it before its blocked! Too Late, so I uploaded it to Soundcloud

 

Moi? The player? Not likely

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I gather some people easily equate serial dater with player.

From Urban dictionary – Serial Dater

One who engages in the process of systematically dating an obscene amount people in short span of time. This definition encompasses but is not limited to internet dating, bar dating, long distance flirtations, phone service dating, blind dating, expiration dating, match making, one night stands, friends with benefits, and personal ad surfing. Can be considered a politically correct alternative to word “player” both with and without a negative connotation.

From Urban dictionary – Player

A male who is skilled at manipulating (“playing”) others, and especially at seducing women by pretending to care about them, when in reality they are only interested in sex. Possibly derived from the phrases “play him for a fool”, or “play him like a violin”. The term was popularized by hip-hop culture, but was commonly recognized among urban American blacks by the 1970s.

I am simply not a player… I don’t systematically date an obscene amount of people… Ok I have dated quite a lot of woman in the last 5 years since my divorce from my wife 6 years ago. I will admit I was in a low place (I’m sure we both were) but rather than wallow in the pain, I picked myself up and went dating.

When I first started, I have to admit I may not have been ready for what was to happen. I was seeking company and it was obvious to most woman I dated. Some of the early dates were poor, but some were good and I’m still friends with a few of the women.

About this time I moved to Manchester and kept dating but this time I used going out on dates to meet new people and go to new places. Without dating, I wouldn’t have learned about a whole range of places. Yes I owe Kate a lot for showing me around but nothing like walking around with someone your romantically interested in.

I admit you could call me a serial dater in the fact I’ve dated a lot of women via internet dating and speed dating. But I reject the notion that I have systematically done this in the past, now or the future. Also it comes and goes in time. So there are months when I have one date and there are months when its sometimes 6-8. There’s also something underhanded going on when people talk about Player.

  1. I’m dating everyone with the thought of getting to know them for romantic means. Aka I won’t date for the sake of dating. There’s got to be some chemistry there. First dates are my way of understanding if I want to take it further or not. I do not pin my hopes and dreams on the first date. Which means I’m very honest when I say I have other dates lined up.
  2. I am not sleeping around. Its easy to imagine the life of a serial dater sleeping with lot of women and not giving a toss. And to be fair the media doesn’t help break this stereotype sometimes. Yes I admit I have ended up with a few women in bed but nothing like you would imagine.
  3. I am not scared of commitment. Being married for 4.5 years and a divorce tends to make you a little more cautious I will admit that much. But if someone special came around and sparks started to settle, I would of course stop dating and commit. The discussion over going exclusive is a discussion which is different in each case.

This is kind of why I want to write my own accounts and down. Put some light on what’s really going on and my own experiences, even if they are fictionalised.

I loosely call it (working title)

The life and times of a modern geeky gentleman… The confessions and mishaps of an ethical serial dater…

As I have already said to many, its certainly not 50 shades or anywhere close to the sex blogs all over the internet. No I’m imagining something like Adrian Mole’s diary but it depends on how fictional I want it to be. Right now I have written about 3 chapters, but its going to be a slow burner.

My friends from Bristol and maybe some from London would laugh at the suggestion that I’m a player. Heck my cousins would scoff at the notion. Yes I have changed a bit by being more confident and sure of myself. But I’m still the same person underneath it all and my values and thoughts for the opposite sex have not changed.

I am a single sexual liberated geek and I can see how frank and open talking style can cause people to think player. But thats their problem and not really mine. For everyone who has said something derogatory to me about my dating, I’ve had at least one person say how great it is to hear. I’ve helped quite a few women (men tend to ignore my advice) and I’m obviously doing something right…?

I am a ethical serial dater?

Dating for Domokuns

I heard the term a while ago while watching a channel4 documentary and someone was talking about it in a cafe once. but forgot about it till recently after seeing another documentary about a similar topic.

From Urban Dictionary, a serial dater

One who engages in the process of systematically dating an obscene amount people in short span of time. This definition encompasses but is not limited to internet dating, bar dating, long distance flirtations, phone service dating, blind dating, expiration dating, match making, one night stands, friends with benefits, and personal ad surfing. Can be considered a politically correct alternative to word "player" both with and without a negative connotation.

Examples

  1. You do not want to date my roommate, that guy is such a serial dater.
  2. Good luck getting anything meaningful out of her, she’s too much into serial dating.

People I know have committed that I go on a lot of dates, but they only know the half of it. I tend to keep that side quiet because it would be very unfair for me to blog, tweet, etc about someone else. Specially those who turned out to be… well… best say… interesting dates. Maybe I should start a secret blog and write about my experiences on dates many other have.

I reject the notion that I’m a player because I’m not, I just enjoy meeting new people and well I love meeting woman. In actual fact I have 2 dates this week *smile*

What more can I say… I’m a ethical serial dater?

Talking of which, we’re currently planing the complete series of Geeks talk Sexy after our most successful episode yet. Following the success of Tara Hunt, we’ve been thinking about having more guests join us. It looks like we may have roped in some great guests including a couple of pickup artists. More news soon…