Very much in a reflective mood. As the title suggests, something comes along or creeps up and flatterns your world. And I mean really flatterns it. You can help but feel tiny in the sea of change which just hit you. It wakes you from your dream like state and makes you realise that the world is not as you figured out in your own head.
My piorities have been missed placed and I thought everything was going to be fine, but its not. Now I'm swimming against the tide trying to play catch up. But this isnt a game, this is life its self. And I'm just learning that now.
As for the less abstract part of this entry. Well I've been thinking, I adore technology but what has it done for my life? Well this isnt the time to break out the tin foil hat and hide in the desert. For me personally its done alot of good things over the years, like equalise the playing ground for me, its made my voice and views transportable throught the internet, etc, etc. fine but what about other things like install linux on my workstation at home? When I was running windows XP all the applications I was running were pretty much open source or simular. And althought I do follow the ideas of the free software movement and others. I'm simply closing the door on other much more important things in my life. Its not just a matter of juggling things to do, its about getting your piroities right and decating attention to them. I've been spreading myself far too thinly and juggling too many things for far too long. Now its all colapsed and I'm left trying to pickup the pieces, except some of the pieces are unrepairable and even lost.
I always thought its just what i do, but its not what I do well. I always thought I was in control of the technology but maybe in some cases I'm being ruled by the technology? Now is the time to do some of the things I always wanted to do, but never dare admit to myself. I'm looking back, and wondering how I could make a construct so deep that it even fools myself, as well as others around me?
While grab at pieces around me, I'm so sure of which bits of my life I can and cannot afford to lose. Its quite amazing how clear it is now. I just wish it was as simple as I'm making it sound in this entry. Believe me, Its so clear now… but too late….
I know if it all goes as it looks right now, I'll be forever thinking why did I let block some things out while letting in others? Was I seduced by the digital lifestyle or something else? Is it even fair to blame technology when its all in my head and not the only thing to blame (myself)? I actually passed all the guilt and blame stage ages ago, and I am trying to building myself a better and true to myself lifestyle now. Just wish I did this years ago…