How to be a right old plonker

The Plonker and the Tosser

Simon seemed to be having a conversation with the writer of the list how to be a fcuking man on twitter. He then added me into the conversation as such. So I had a look at the list which was being talked about. What I found sometimes made me smile and nod but others made me erupt into small bouts of anger.

Ok heres the points I agree with….

  • Stop talking about where you went to college.
  • Never stay out after midnight three nights in a row… Unless something really good comes up on the third night.
  • You will regret your tattoos
  • Never date an ex of your friend
  • Join Twitter; become your own curator of information
  • People are tired of you being the funny, drunk guy.
  • Ask for a salad instead of fries
  • When a bartender buys you a round, tip double
  • One girlfriend at a time is probably enough
  • Measure yourself only against your previous self
  • Staying angry is a waste of energy
  • Always bring a bottle of something to the party
  • Date women outside your social set. You’ll be surprised.
  • Never take an ex back. She tried to do better and is settling with you
  • Eating out alone can be magnificent. Find a place where you can sit at the bar
  • Read more. It allows you to borrow someone else’s brain, and will make you more interesting at a dinner party – provided that you don’t initiate conversation with, “So, who are you reading…”
  • Don’t gamble if losing $100 is going to piss you off.

Although I agree with alot of it, there are some which are just not working for me. (still no idea what a small white baggy in a bathroom is about? I assume its to do with drugs)

  • Always carry cash.  Keep some in your front pocket
    I’m like the queen, never (ok almost never carry cash) my debit card is very warn out and you can’t read the cvc number at all. Good thing I remember it. Yes it is a pain to go get cash for certain times like going to the market and buying drink at some out of date bars. No idea what the front pocket thing is about, but I will agree my dad says the same thing.
  • Rebel from business casual. Burn your khakis and wear a suit or jeans
    This is crap, wear what your comfortable in but be aware of the situation, aka don’t go in shorts and tshirts to meet someone on the first date. Its your life, don’t waste it living someone elses. Sure I’ve said that a few times.
  • If riding the bus doesn’t incentivize you to improve your station in life, nothing will
    This is ballcrap, ok I just switched from riding the Tram into work everyday to scootering to work, but I won’t lie. I quite liked the time I had to read and think. Now I get to work in 15mins and waste the time I use to have thinking, sleeping. I also enjoyed taking the Metrolink when it worked out. When it was delayed or cancelled it use to drive me nuts. Now I have the option of changing it up, so life is good.
  • When the bartender asks, you should already know what you want to drink.
    No no… This is fine for a pub, but theres nothing better than describing what kind of cocktail your in the mood for and them making it up or suggesting something new. Like the cash issue, I get really peed off when a bar requires cash only. I mean its only 2013! If I’m getting charged £7-9 for a cocktail, I want a card machine!
  • When people don’t invite you to a party, you really shouldn’t go.
 And sometimes even when you are invited, you shouldn’t go
    Rubbish, gatecrashing has its ups and downs. I’ve had some great fun gatecrashing and some less interesting fun. If your not invited it could be an oversight or you were not invited because your not. Judge the situation and decide accordingly.
  • Act like you’ve been there before.  It doesn’t matter if it’s in the end zone at the Super Bowl or on a private plane
    Nothing wrong being excited about a different experience. Theres many times people say we should adopt a more child like approach to life. Being a man shouldn’t be about having a stiff upper lip
  • Be a regular at more than one bar and A glass of wine or two with lunch will not ruin your day
    Please! Come on, being a man shouldn’t centre around drinking
  • Own a handcrafted shotgun.  It’s a beautiful thing and Buy expensive sunglasses.  Superficial? Yes, but so are the women judging you. And it tells these women you appreciate nice things and are responsible enough not to lose them.
    You can’t be for real, buying or owning a gun is certainly not going to make you a man. Not anymore than owning a motorbike or a chess set. These things are simply things you own and they don’t make you or at least they shouldn’t. If they make you happy great but don’t buy them to please others or show off
  • Don’t split a check
    You already know what I think about this one. But what makes this worst is the fact theres no context, so I have to assume it means always. Bullcrap! Want to be the big man, well prehistoric man is dead or should be dead. We live in 2013 now, time to get over it. Split the check and be happy and respectful. Also what incase its a friend?
  • Pretty women who are unaccompanied want you to talk to them and When in doubt, always kiss the girl
    Maybe, maybe not. Women are people, people are busy but people don’t mind being interrupted for a decent relevant conversation. As for the kissing one, well maybe.

The image which comes to mind when reading through the last lot of rules is this all adds up to a real plonker. Not really the kind of person I look up to or want to ever be. If I was to write my own rules it would be quite different and a lot shorter. Of course theres a certain amount of culture which is wrapped up in the rules. For example my dad and uncles are not going to own a gun and if they did it wouldn’t be something they polish up and clean all the time..

Too be fair a real plonker might sound bad but its better than being a right old tosser…

Author: Ianforrester

Senior firestarter at BBC R&D, emergent technology expert and serial social geek event organiser.

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